Where it all began: My Immortal by Tara Gillespie

Hello internet, and welcome to Fanfic Masochism.

This is a blog dedicated to reviewing the good, the bad, and the ugly (mostly the latter two). Be it crossover, shipping, fluff or whatever genre you can think of that I can’t, I’ll take a shot at it and see if I can assess whatever merits or flaws the story might have.

And you can laugh at my misery as well. Hope you’re all happy.

Thought I’d get started with one of the legendary badfics, one that all others are measured against: My Immortal (or as it’s called now, (My) Immortal: The Web Series).

Now, me and this story go back a ways; I first discovered it around the time I discovered fanfiction, and I found it to be so ridiculously bad that it was worthy of informing others about it (got me an A in speech class, go me). But enough about that; let’s dive in to (My) Immortal: The Web Series and take a glimpse at the madness that is Tara Gilespie.

For those of you that haven’t read this fic, spoilers.

We open with an author’s note. Personally, I’m against author’s notes at the beginning of chapters because it might spoil content, but whatever, this isn’t my fic. So, our author addresses us with this:

“Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!”

Well… okay? So we get a (bad) vampire joke, an anti-lesbian jab, a Warhammer 40K reference (intentional or not) and a shout out to one Justin and MCR… and apparently this ‘raven’ helped out with spelling.

Obviously she didn’t do a good enough job, but I won’t hold that against her; it’s only an author’s note, after all.

So, we get to the fic proper and was are introduce to Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, so named because she has black hair… that’s a really dumb reason to name someone. Also, that’s kind of a dumb name too, to be named “Black Darkness Mental Disease Bird Path”…

Okay, those are mostly synonyms, but whatever, it’s a dumb name.

Anyway, Ebony gives us a description of what she looks like (she apparently looks like Amy Lee, whoever that is), and that she is a vampire except her teeth and straight and white… I think this was written before Twilight, but still VAMPIRES DON’T WORK THAT WAY! Vampires are supposed to be creepy creatures of the night, not… straight toothed bird people.

So, beneath all the vampires and the descriptions of clothes (I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow) we learn that Ms. Bird is a Seventh-Year student at Hogwarts in Scotland England. Oh, right, this is about Harry Potter, then. She’s walking around outside when she sees some preps staring at her, so she flips them off and walks off.

…

Okay, what’s a prep?

I’ve been through high school, just like many people, and I’ve never found someone who identifies as “prep”. Is it someone who’s really stuck up and superficial? Or is it someone who’s really excited about school spirit and such things? I’m bringing this up because, so far, despite the fact that Ebony is apparently at odds with this group and I have no idea why. Did they insult her? Did one of them kill her parents (it’s a Harry Potter fic, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that were true)?

Conflict: this story needs it!

Let’s move on.

“‘Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!”

Wow, first canon character. So yeah, Draco goes up to Ebony and she asks what he’s up to. He “shyly” replies nothing before the two of them are separated by Ebony’s friends calling her away.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Pointless Scene #1! Now's when I stop keeping track.

Chapter 2 opens with another author’s note thanking bloodywrists666 for help and telling the preps to stop flaming… This will be a pattern.

Ebony wakes up and we get a nice long paragraph about what’s she’s wearing… um, I thought this was a fanfiction, not a clothing catalogue. Whatever, we are introduced to her friend Willow (who I believe is an insert of her friend Raven), and after we get a description of what she’s wearing (which is eerily similar to what Ebony’s tastes are) Willow says that she saw Ebony and Draco talking the other day and believes the two are an item.

“‘Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.”

Whoa, calm down, she just asked you if you liked someone… although as one who likes to keep my personal relationships private, I can kind of see where she’s coming from.

Draco walks up and invites Ebony to go see a Good Charlotte concert in Hogsmeade… It’s been awhile since I’ve read the Harry Potter books, but isn’t Hogwarts and the surrounding area, including Hogsmeade, shielded from Muggles? Unless the members of Good Charlotte all became wizards then they shouldn’t be anywhere near Hogwarts.

Eh, not like the author cares about that. We get another clothing description and Ebony heads out to the concert (after slashing her wrists and somehow surviving… must be a vampire thing) and meets up with Draco who’s wearing “goffik” stuff (I don’t really care, so I won’t go into further details) and they take off in his flying black Mercedes Bendz.

Why? The town isn’t that far away, couldn’t they have just walked? And where the heck would someone park something like that without it being noticed? Heck, even if you did want to be noticed, where would you park it?

I have too many questions and this is only the third chapter!

Anyway, they get to the concert and jump into the mosh pit… um, I don’t think the song is really moshing material. It’s actually kind of whiney. But I review fanfics, not music, so what would I know? Ebony says how hot she thinks Joel is, and Draco gets all tsundere because of this. But she waves him off and says Draco’s hotter.

“‘Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.”

Hey, conflict!... Okay, now that that’s out of the way, why does Ebony hate Miss Duff? Is it because she’s blonde?

That’s racist, isn’t it… or hair-ist? I don’t know.

Anyway, the concert ends and Draco starts to take Ebony back to the school when he turns off into… the Forbidden Forest!

Great, so they’ll get killed by whatever monster Hagrid’s taking care of? Cool!

Chapter 4 opens with this:

“I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!”

Not a Mary Sue, you say? Well:

1)      Has an overly complicated name that really doesn’t fit the setting

2)      Has a set of powers or skills that also would be overpowered or out of place in the setting

3)      A major character is “so in love” with him/her that they are acting out of character

Oh no, that’s totally not a Mary Sue!

Anyway, Ebony… sorry, Enoby gets all pissy at Draco for driving off into the woods. But before she can get really mad, they look into each other’s eyes and start making out.

… okay, that was rather sudden.

“Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”

Thingy

You know what

(I didn’t come up with that joke)

For all of you who want to write romance, this isn’t how you do it. Sex shouldn’t be like reading a manual at IKEA, it should be… like whatever happens. I’m not saying that I have had or haven’t had sex, but what I am saying is that each experience is different from the last one, and involves a lot of strong emotions and actions that need to be explained well or else they just come off as stupid. Heck, it doesn’t even need to be shown. The Sexy Discretion Shot exists for a reason.

And for someone who claims to be “Dark” and “Edgy”, if one chooses that definition for “Goffik”, Tara is really childish. Just say “penis”, “dick” or “vagina” and get on with it. Throwing in euphemisms is just stupid and as I said, childish. YOU’RE WRITING A SEX SCENE! THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS MAKE IT AS MATURE AS THE CHARACTERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE!!!

Anyway, after this is all done they are interrupted by someone:

“‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!”

Hey look, another canon character! That brings us up to a total of two, and we’re already 5 chapters in!

That being said, I don’t really see this guy:



As the kind of guy to swear like that. So that makes two characters that are acting way out of character.

Yay. We’re doomed.

So, Dumbledore takes Enoby… oh wait, she went back to Ebony. He takes the two back to Hogwarts (and there’s no description of them putting on their clothes, so… let your mind wander) and he, Professor McGonagall and Snape start yelling at them. Good for them, can’t have the cast screwing like bunnies, now can we? The two are given a chance to defend themselves, which Draco responds with:

“‘BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.’”

“Alright, since you two are so in love, we’ll just send you back to your rooms and forget about how you went into a dangerous forest that is full of things that could get you killed. Get lost of sleep. Would you like some tea to help you relax?”

If I could, I would forcibly join my head with the nearest wall.

Anyway, Ebony finally puts some clothes on, Draco (still naked, apparently) sings her a song and the two part ways.

Guh.

Next day, Ebony wakes up and goes down for breakfast. Today’s meal: Count Chocula, extra blood!... Okay, that’s stupid. Hogwarts has magical tables that give you fine dining arrangements for every meal, and you take a bowl of processed cereal. Also, I know you’re trying to impart upon us that you’re a vampire, but bloody cereal?... okay?

Anyway, Ebony gets bumped by a person and when she turns around to see who the dumbass is we are introduced to Harry Potter… sorry no, this is Vampire Potter, Harry’s half-wit twin brother who was thrown out with the bathwater and learned English from Twilight. Anyway, Vampire and Ebony chat until Draco shows up and takes Ebony away to give her a surprise.

Another author’s note:

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

Wasn’t Raven supposed to be checking the spelling for this, or is she too busy fighting Trigon? And who’s Evony? Is she related to Ebony?

Really it’s a misspelling. Why am I even asking questions about it?

Oh, and apparently she’s a Satanits! Ooh, so scary!... What’s a Satanits?

…

No, I’m serious. What’s a Satanits?

Draco takes Evony upstairs and after another clothing description we get another childishly stupid sex scene. But partway through Evony sees that Draco has a tattoo that says “Vampire” on it. 2+2= stupid and she assumes (correctly) that it means that Draco and Vampire were gay lovers.

She storms off while he tries to defend himself (and she says he probably has AIDs or something), and the two head down to Snape’s classroom where Vampire is… and only Ebony is shown putting on clothes.

So, Hogwarts is a nudist colony now? (I’ll probably get to that fic someday)

But we pause from this “engaging” relationship drama and are introduced to B’loody Mary Smith. Who is B’loody Mary Smith? A poor excuse to derail Hermione Granger’s character into a generic, vampire yes-woman who’s “real” parents were killed by Voldemort back in the day.

…

Was the author using a mix and match book when she wrote this thing?

So, Ebony’s still mad and then… we get a perspective flip. Now were seeing things from Draco’s POV (I think), but since there’s no transition it comes out of the blue and really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Not to say that anything in this story makes sense in the first place, but still a transition would have been nice. So Draco is confused as to why Ebony’s still angry, since yes he did go out with Vampire (since everyone is bi) they broke up because Vampire was dating a prep by the name of Brittney.

Guessing that means Brittney Spears.

And I ask again, what’s a prep?

But Ebony’s not having any of this and runs off into the Forbidden Forest to go cry about this.

You know, if this is really upsetting you why don’t you just dump the dude and go date someone else? Or, you know, talk this over like a SANE AND RATIONAL PERSON!

Chapter 9 (I’M ONLY NINE CHAPTERS INTO THIS THING?!) begins with another authors note where Tara once again demands that people stop flaming her, stating that she never read all the books and only saw the movies and that’s why everything is all weird.

I feel ya, Picard

Now, I’m not saying the movies are bad, but they are not the same as the original source material. The books had a lot of stuff that could not be fit into the movies or else they would be longer than Gone with the Wind. The reason the movies got as big as they did was because Harry Potter was an established series that was very popular by an up and coming audience and, because some of the subplots were cut out, somewhat approachable to the uninitiated moviegoer. That being said, the movies tried their best to stick with the characterizations presented in the books, because otherwise they should just name the movies something else and created a new universe (like how they were going to turn Twilight into Blade in all but name).

So yeah, Tara’s little defense of herself? Doesn’t hold up all that well.

Getting back to the story, Ebony’s crying in the Forbidden Forest when she’s assaulted by Voldemort. They “fight” and Ebony throws Crookshanks at Voldemort and knocks him off his broomstick (since when did he need one of those to get around). Ignoring that the ultimate Big Bad of the series was taken out by cat to the face, Voldemort demands that Ebony kill Vampire Potter… or he’ll go kill Draco!*GASP*

… Eh, kill him. I don’t like this interpretation of the character anyway.

Ebony says she won’t but Voldemort hands her a gun and tells her “Thou Must!”… No seriously, that’s what he says. For whatever reason Voldemort’s lines are written in (bad) Elizabethan English. Is that supposed to make him more evil or something, because it really makes him sound stupid, especially considering it’s a broad assumption of old timey English and not grammatically correct in the least (some of my friends are actors who are really into this stuff; I should know what works and what doesn’t, since they’ve told me enough about it).

And why does Voldemort hand her a gun? Technology isn’t supposed to work on Hogwarts grounds, unless it has been specially enhanced. And if Wizards can shoot spells that one hit KO people, why would they need guns (because guns are quicker, have faster rates of fire and take less time to learn how to use. J.K. Rowling even said a Muggle with a shotgun would beat a wizard with a wand any day)? And Voldemort is a Wizard Nazi, so wouldn’t he look down on Muggle technology?

The author doesn’t care, so why should I?

Maybe because I actually want a story and not weepy drama over boyfriends sandwiched between a Hot Topic catalogue.

But anyway, Voldemort flies away when suddenly Draco! The two make up and head back into the school (wow, that was fast), and never once does Ebony tell Draco that she has to pull a hit on Vampire or else Voldemort will kill him.

Must not have been very important then.

After another note saying that “flamers=gay fags” (despite the fact that you made two major characters bisexual lovers. Consistency!), we learn that Ebony has a band named Bloody Gothic Rose 666, which people like because it sounds like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

Um… okay, I don’t really see what this has to do with Ebony having to kill Vampire to save her love.

So, the members of the band are Ebony (lead singer and guitarist), B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron some dude named Diabolo and Hargrid, Hagrid’s even more jovial clone. But since Vampire and Draco are still wangsting over the argument (I would say it was the other day, but time is kind of irrelevant in this story so whatever) practice is canceled and the members start writing songs. We also learn that in this universe vampires can’t die by slashed wrists (okay), can be killed by crosses (Tara is stupid and spells it out since she assumes actually writing it is a very bad thing) and steak. No, not stakes, steak.

The greatest enemy of the vampires… is an Iron Chef armed with two T-Bones and a bandolier made of New York Strip… That actually sounds cool. Why am I not reading that fic?

Anyway, they’re singing a cover (I thought they were writing music) when Ebony suddenly starts crying. B’loody Mary asks what’s wrong and we get this:

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.”

I thought he asked you to kill Vampire? And how are we supposed to know that he’s nice, considering he’s had all of two scenes in ten chapters?

After Ebony says all this, Draco jumps out of nowhere (must be a wizard thing; a lot of people do this) and gets all mad. He yells at her, they cry, and he runs off.

Pointless Scene #2 (because they just go on as if nothing happens).

Then Dumbledore shows up and says that Draco’s dead; he killed himself by slashing his wrists.

YAY! DRACO’S DEAD! NOW HE CAN GO BACK TO BEING IN A GOOD STORY!

… Wait, this is stupid even by this story’s standards! Ebony just said that vampires can’t die by slashed wrists, and yet Draco just did (oh yeah, he’s a vampire too, apparently)! What did he slash his wrists with, a sirloin?

Consistency, READ UP ON IT!!!

Ebony’s broken up over this and runs back to her room. After slashing her wrists, angrily taking a bath… pause, how does that work?

“I HATE YOU, RUBBER DUCKY!!! NOW LET’S PLAY WITH BUBBLES!!!”

Anyway, after this she catches Snap and Loopin spying on her with a camcorder (Loopin mastacating to it, whatever that means). Vampire shows up and shoots an Abra from his womb, and after Ebony applies the concept of moar dakka Dumblydore (who I guess is related to Dumbledore…) runs in and starts screaming. Then Hargrid shows up and tells everyone they need to talk.

Um… what the hell just happened?

“‘What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!’”

So Hargrid and Hargirid are students…? And Hargirid’s a Satanist? Do they have a rivalry with the Satanits?

Anyway, the tape survived (oaky) but Snap’s still hung up over why Hargrid and Hargirid are defending Ebony. Want to know the reason?

“BECAUSE I LOVE HER!!!1!1”

…

Still don’t think your character is a Mary Sue, Tara?

I’m only a quarter of the way into this thing and I have no idea what’s going on. Maybe an author’s note might help:

“AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!”

…

Or not…

Also, I think Cedric and Hagrid are the only two characters in this entire series that haven’t been screwed over by the madness (yet).

Ebony’s going to kill herself with a special knife that Drago gave her (Ebony’s a vampire that consorts with the Grey Knights?) when suddenly:

“‘NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.”

Problem 1: never use text speak in a story, unless it’s actually supposed to text. No one talks that way.

Problem 2: the only part of the eye that is red are the veins.

Problem 3: INCONsisTENT capitaliZATIONS make it HArD tO ReAD (unless you’re writing eldritch abominations, in which case that might come off creepy instead of stupid).

What’s the cause of this sudden outburst? Well, Vampire’s scar hurts. Okay, that’s kind of sort of in canon. But Ebony says that she thought he’d gotten rid of the scar.

“‘I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.’”

So, a unique an interesting character description is reduced to a stupid attempt to be “edgy”? Why am I not surprised?

So, Vampire’s scar is hurting because he’s seeing a vision of Draco (from beyond the grave?), and it turns out that “Volfemort has him bondage!”

Wait, Draco’s alive? And why does this Volfemort have him bondage? What does “have him bondage” even mean?

Irrelevant! Ebony’s in the hospital wing with Snap, Loopin and HAHRID (who are on their way to St. Mangos because they’re pervs). Hargrid comes in with pink roses.

“‘Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway’”.

…

“For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.”

“My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.”

CONSISTENCY! THIS STORY HAS NONE!

But no, these aren’t pink roses, for they burst into black flames and this reveals that Hargrid is not a prep.

What’s a prep?

Ebony asks where Draco is and Dumblydore says she needs to “look into the flames” (BECAUSE PEOPLE FLAMED THE STORY, HA HA HA!) Ebony tells him to piss off and goes upstairs to change clothes.

You know, I could probably sum up the story with the following pattern: clothes, sex, “gothic” music, plot, slashed wrists, repeat steps 1-3. But since I intend to get through every single chapter, I’ll need to press on.

Ebony meets up with Vampire in the hair of some poor monster and they start having sex… well, that was quick. But McGoggle catches them and Ebony stars yelling at Vampire when…

Well, if you started reading this chapter you already know. It’s a word for word copy: Vampire screams, pentagram scar, Volfemort has him bondage.

Oh, and Raven stole Tara’s sweater.

Next scene!

Our “heroes” go looking for Dumbledore (wonder where he’s been), but Dumbledore doesn’t care (my kindred spirit). Vampire cries that his Draco is lost (and Tara asks if we think gay guys crying are hot. My answer is “No, you’re an idiot”). Ebony tries to comfort him when Vampire teleports them to some guy named Voldemprt’s lair (DEUS EX MACHINA, if we knew who Voldemprt was). They charge in and find Voldemort (who attacks them with “Allah Kedavra”… did he convert to Islam sometime between chapters 8 and 13?).

Chapter 14 gives us a warning:

“SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.”

OOF! AUGH! HNNNGH! (wait…)

They charge in and find out it’s not Voldemort, but the fat dude who killed Cedric.

And Cedric has the best luck of anyone in this story.

Anyway, Fatso says he loves Enoby and wants to have sex with her. He gets a bullet in the gut for his troubles (also note he’s the only character that stays dead). Voldemort wants to know what the hell is going on and comes after our “heroes” while wearing high heels.

I knew it! He’s a crossdresser!

But the heroes escape and go back to their rooms (except for Enoby and Draco, they’re going to have sex) and Enoby starts crying. Draco asks what’s wrong and Enoby says she’s mad because she’s so beautiful that everyone loves her and she’s so perfect at everything that it’s causing problems in her life.

YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE TO BE PERFECT AT ANYTHING?! I would love to be the world’s greatest author, but I’m not. I’d love to be an amazing actor, but I’m not. I’m okay with that because I know there are people out there that are better than me, and I’m certain that those that are the best know it and are happy for themselves. YOU DON’T HAVE A BAD LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE PERFECT AT EVERYTHING!

I’m sorry, if this is supposed to create “sympathy” for our character, it fails miserably. Enoby isn’t flawed, she’s a whiney bitch who isn’t happy that she’s got it made and just wants other people to feel her “pain”.

AND I’M NOT EVEN HALFWAY DONE WITH THIS STORY!

Ebony storms out of her room, u-turns and goes right back in. She mopes around and goes to Biology (which they don’t teach at Hogwarts, unless you count Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures) and then Draco comes in and sings Enoby a song and the two get back together. Preps stare at them and Ebony flips them off again (What is a prep?) before the two walk off hand in hand. Then there’s a poster for whatever reason that says that MCR is performing in Hogsmede.

So they go and have a good time, until it’s revealed that MCR isn’t actually MCR, but when Gerard takes off his mask he and the others are revealed to be another guy named Volsemort and his Death Dealers.

Cool! Do they play death metal? Because that would be a nice relief from this whiney emo crap.

Nope, we don’t know because the scene cuts to Ebony and I presume Draco having relationship issues. Draco wants to bring an escort along but Enoby accuses him of becoming a Christina. What does Christina have to do with anything? Who cares, song time! Ebony forgives Draco and the two get ready for the concert… that they were just at…

THIS STORY MAKES NO SENSE!

Ebony talks with B’loody Mary, and after gratuitous Japanese we learn that Willow was expelled because she failed her classes, like Math. The fact that I’m pretty sure they don’t teach Math at Hogwarts (if they did I never saw it), this is actually a jab at Raven since she and Tara had a falling out over that sweater I mentioned several chapters ago. Wow, a sweater means more than friendship. I’m sure the writers of My Little Pony would love to hear that.

B’loody Mary tells Enoby about a new Goffik store in Hogsmeade, and so they go there to get some new clothes:

“The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses.”

“Yes Except No”.

I notice that we have no description of this guy to justify his hotness. So, just put the image of a lit candle in your mind and that should do the trick.

Candle says that they only sell to true goffs and that there are posers around, like snap and loopin. Ebony cries that they’re going to spy on her again and goes off to get changed. Clothing description and some dialogue:

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s ebondy dark’ness dementia TARA way what’s yours?”

“Tom Rid.” He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried.”

Utfits are a thing now. So, Candle’s real name is Tom Rid, and his hair is dyed black (despite the fact that Canon!Tom Riddle had naturally black hair… I think) and aparantly he’s a perv for wanting to see Ebondy at the concert. Also, Ebondy’s second to last name is Tara now, so…

Really, all this over a sweater?

But Hargrid flies in and tells Ebondy that she must go: planet Idioton needs her! On her way back she runs into Willow (hey, they made up) who gets this description:

“She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.”

You’re trying to convince me that this:

Can support this:

 

Yeah, no way that can happen. Despite the fact that the body dissolves fat during starvation (meaning that a girl’s breasts would probably go away), someone that thin would probably have a lot of back problems or even snap in half trying to support large breasts… that’s the least of their problems though, and they should go see a psychiatrist. Not like Tara cares about that. Let Willow starve or become a cripple!

So Ebony, Draco, Willow and Diabolo go to the concert, Ebony fangirls over Gerard until… it turns out he’s actually another guy named Vlodemort and his Death Deelers.

Hate to break it to you, but Volsemort chose the name first. Not that it really matters, they’re all misspelling of Voldemort.

Anyway, Voldemort is mad that Enoby didn’t kill Vampire like he wanted, so he says he’s going to kill her and Draco. They beg for mercy until Dumblydore flus in (that’s not a spelling error, she said he flu in) and drives the bad guys away.

DEUS EX MACHINA!

Next day, Enoby wakes up and sees that the Grate Hall is decked out in “poser” memorabilia, specifically bands that haven’t been cool for ten+ years. That being said, our heroes (with Navel, renamed Dracula, added to the group, I might add) start talking about who’s hotter among a collection of “gothic” singers. They’re interrupted when Dumbledore (who’s trying to be all goffic) walks over and asks what they think of the room. They call him a poser and walk off to class.

Because this is a school, remember?

Draco says no one understands him, which pisses off Enoby so she goes away to cry and smoke dope. Hargrid comes and appears with Dumbledore. They ask what she’s wearing to the concert and tell her that Draco has a surprise for her.

So, Draco has control of the teaching staff here? Why didn’t he employ this earlier?

Later that night, as Enoby is preparing for another concert (how many concerts are the same few bands going to have in one town) Loopin comes in asking for some condoms. Enoby tells him to piss off, but when she goes down to the grate hall she sees Loopin and Snake “doing it” while Dobby watches.

Um…

Uh…

… Moving on.

Enoby takes a picture of them for blackmail purposes and heads off to the concert. It’s just like the others, except that Draco’s off in a corner crying. I think he realized he was in a shitty fanfic and it was too much for him.

Vampire and Enoby try to comfort Draco, but they are interrupted by Filth and Mr. Norris.

Help me, Chuck; you're my only hope

Anyway, Chuck’s awesome isn’t working properly, so the three idiots escape back to their rooms where Draco and Enoby watch Lake Placid.

You know, the movie with Betty White and the giant crocodiles?

How is that goffic?

But before that could happen, Enoby goes into a seizure and sees that Fug and the Mystery of Magic has just showed up at the school.

Not that we get to see any of that. Enoby wakes up and all her friends are there: Draco, Vampire, Diabolo, B’loody Mary, Darkness (Jenny, who I assume is supposed to be Ginny), Crab and Goyle (who are vampires) are all waiting for her. She is justifiably angry that they just showed up while she’s still in her pajamas, but they don’t care because she is so pretty.

Yeah, pretty like a car crash.

She gets dressed and they all leave, only after flipping off a prep (What. Is. A Prep?). Cornelia Fudged and Doris Rumbrige are arguing with Dumbledore and say he’s not fit to be principal anymore.

Well of course not, he’s a Headmaster.

“‘Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.’”

Well, I guess we better go find this Enony. My Immortal II: The Search for Enony!

…

Actually, it’s Ebony. Again.

And thus we reach the end of the first half of My Immortal. 6,000 words in and I’m only halfway through!

Please, someone help me.

“AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!”

10,001, and I think this is shit. And now she knows the books exist! Well, that only took 23 chapters and a chunk of my sanity.

Of course, if I was playing the TvTropes drinking game, I’d be dead.

Anyway, after the “shocking” revalation that Enony is the Chosen One, Rumbridge storms out and runs into our heroes.

“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily”

Ebony: I AM A MAN! *punch* (totally stole that from Linkara. Sorry, it was too good to pass up on).

Dumbledum tells her to calm down and everyone can come in. As Enony helps herself to more blood-soaked cereal, Draco and Vampire engage in a gun duel over who gets to shit next to her.

I really wish I was making this up.

The two trade guns for fisticuffs, but before the fight can really go anywhere Volzemort shows up.

“‘Eboby…..Ebony…….” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!’”

Darth Valer, Darth Vader’s idiot clone.

And his threat is stupid. Kill Vampire, or I’ll kill Draco. If you don’t, then I’ll kill you and Vampire as well. You’re going to kill him anyway, so why don’t you just do it?

So instead of following through on his threat, Volzemort flies away and Egogy has a vision that makes no sense. After she recovers, Draco and Vampire help her recover and B’loody Mary suggests she go and talk to Professor Sinister about this.

So Professor Sinister/Trevolry is the Deviations teacher, and she’s half Japanese for… why does that even matter? Oh, it’s just an excuse for Tara to try and get some Japanese into the story. Anyway, Ebony interrupts class to talk about her vision, and after Sinister dismisses everyone except the preps, who have extra homework, they start to talk.

What. Is. A. Prep?

Enoby looks into a black crystal ball, but the whole thing is interrupted by Draco showing up. Okay, enough plot, let’s get back to the romance (not)! So they go for a drive and have sex (which Ebony was so bored by that she fell asleep half of the way through) she has a dream where two people get whacked in a drive by, and when she wakes up she gets all sad about it.

This is me, not caring.

Vampire is called in and after she explains what happened they all start crying. Wow, for a supposedly cool group the goffs seem rather… emotionally fragile. I’m not saying emotions are a bad thing, but they break down a lot at slight things.

“Hey, it’s a bit windy, wouldn’t you say?”

“YEHEHEHESSSS! *crying ensues* IT”S SO DEPRESSINNNG!!!”

Does this mean that Actor!Katara from “Ember Island Players” was a goff?

Shown here: A better story than My Immortal

Nah, too “preppy”, and I still have no idea what that means.

So, they decide to go tell Dumbledore about this. He at first thinks they’re delusional, but after a stern talking to he changes his mind and calls some people to do some stuff. They do the stuff and find the other people and everything’s all cool.

Serious and Lucian come in on stretchers, followed by Professor Sinister. After a brief celebration, Sinistra pulls Egony aside and tells her what’s going to happen; she theorizes that the reason Voldemort turned evil was because he was spurred by a lover, and if he was in love he’d be a nicer guy. So Eggnog must go back in time and seduce him so he’ll fall in love and be a better person.

Considering what story I’m reading, that makes a bit more sense… and that’s not saying much.

So Ebony, Draco and Vampire go into a private room and she explains everything. Draco wonders if this means they’ll have to break up, but Egony assures him that won’t happened and they have sex.

Oh, and Stallone shows up. It’s a misspelling, but worth mentioning.

And they decide to make it a porno as well, and Vampire’s the camera man. Kind of a double standard considering several chapters ago you were mad at Snap and Loopin for filming you (oh wait, they’re pervs). But the shitty amateur “expert” porno is interrupted by Snoop and McGoggle. After another firefight the heroes go with them (and get dressed too. I consider this a major achievement) while Snoop confiscates the caramel.

Now I want candy.

Anyway, Vampire and Snap shoot each other, but McGoogle subdues the heroes and chains them up. She leaves them at Snap’s mercy, and he decides to go with the bondage theme and pulls out a couple whips. He pulls off his pants and reveals that he’s in league with Voldemort, and if Ebony doesn’t stab Vampire he’ll rap Drako.

Quick, someone write up a Draco rap.

Eonby can’t do it because both guys are so hot, so she uses her vampire powers to tell them to distract Snipe while she escapes, crucios him and calls the other teachers. Trevolry takes Egogy away and prepares to send her back in tim.

Ew.

Anyway, another clothing description and she jumps into the Pensive. She ends up in front of the school in the past and meets… Tom Bombodil!

Now should be a good time to mention that this might be a troll fic, considering that Tom Bombodil is from Lord of the Rings and considering that I doubt Tara’s ability to read he only showed up in deleted scenes of the movies. Of course, given the general insanity of the rest of the fic I wouldn’t be surprised if Tara just typed up the name on accident.

Not that this clarity persists. Enoby introduces herself to Tom, who insists she call him Satan because that’s his middle name and all his friends call him that.

WHAT KIND OF PARENT NAMES THEIR KID “SATAN”?! In Tara’s demented goff world that might be a good thing, but in real life that’s like naming your kid “Saddam Manson von Hitler” and expecting them to become a human rights advocate. I mean, can you imagine what a job interview would be like?

Interviewer: “So, what name do you go by?”

Interviewee: “Everyone calls me Satan.”

Interviewer: “… Uh… Okay? *slowly moves resume towards ‘rejected’*”

I know I shouldn’t complain about this, since this is only a poorly written fanfic, but I tend to overthink things like this. I like to continue stories in my head past their ending point, mainly because I’d be curious as to where the characters would end up. Where are these characters going to end up? In Magical England’s unemployment line, weeping about MCR and going crazy from blood loss.

Okay, so Enoby and… “Satan” talk, and quickly bond over Green Day and Hot Topic (why am I not surprised). Satan apparently has precognitive powers and is able to talk about events that won’t happen for another 13+ years (specifically, that Hogsment would be renamed Hogsmeade. I’m not sure how that works. Oh, and that Hot Topic would be renamed from Hot Issue (I think; remember, this is My Immortal we’re talking about) in 1998). But they’re interrupted by Dumblydore flying by on his broomstick and shredding at them to shut up. Satan has no idea why Dumblydore’s so mad, and Ebony suggests that maybe it’s because he’s the Bark Lord.

Again, not a typo. Maybe he and John Freeman can go out barking necks and such.

They go inside when all of a sudden Egony falls through a hole in the floor.

This story is so bad it’s plot holes are manifesting in reality!

Actually, she ends up falling out of the pensive back in the present and running into Dumblydore. Trevolry comes in and wonders how the hell Eongy showed up, but it turns out she forgot because… she’s a druggie.

This came up earlier, but apparently there’s something called Voldemortserum and Sinister is addicted to the stuff. I think it turns you evil or stupid… Just remember kiddies: Drugs are for losers and bad fanfic characters!

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112

Yes, drug addictions are serious issues, and if you or anyone you know is addicted to drugs you should go get professional help. But we the readers can’t take it seriously if you can’t even spell “serious issues” and tell us all to “fuck off”. Maybe if this story was actually coherent, we could get some emotional drama out of Sinister’s conflicts over being a druggie, but alas it is not.

And when you think about it, My Immortal could have been a somewhat decent story if it was a) run through a spellcheck a few times, b) had a decent, well thought out plot, c) actually focused on the characters of Harry Potter most of the time, and d) the characters actually achieved something. If Tara Gillespie were reading this, I would say that she needs to reread the story, make sure everything is spelled correctly, make sure it does not violate canon too badly without a good explanation, and make it so that Ebony moves beyond the whiney goth stereotype.

This thing was written first in 2006, so I highly doubt that she is reading this, and if this story can be saved.

Let’s have a moment of silence for lost potential.

…

Well, enough of that!

Enoby asks if they should go to St. Mango’s, but Trevolry says no; next time Eggnogy goes into the past, she should go find Tom Andorson and ask him for help.

OH NO! TREVOLRY’S BEEN SMITHED!

We've been waiting for you, Ms. Raven Way.

So Emoby leaves and runs into Draco, who takes her to show that Serious as poking Snap and Loopin with a knife. After taking some photons of this, Enoby puts on some new clothes and then has sex with Draco… wow, that was fast. Again.

“‘we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.

“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.’”

So TaEbory takes people’s crap and gets a mass sex romp with one guy, passively I might add. And this actually looks very similar to the first sex scene way back in chapter 4, but then again so does almost every other sex scene after that.

CONTINUITY!!!... In my dreams.

The next day, TaEbory wakes up and heads back to Professor Sinister. They do another Pensive thing and Ibory ends up in the grate hall (ten points to whoever guesses what she’s eating). Satan is there and introduces her to Professor Slutborn, a tall dude that looks like all the other dudes that are pretending to be dudes (despite the fact that Slughorn is a short, overweight guy who’s a bit more jolly than the manic depressives of this universe).

Anyway, we don’t learn more of him because apparently Marilyn Manson is in town with a concert and The Exercise is playing in theatres.

Shown here; the greatest horror movie ever.

So Egony goes to the Slytherin common room to get ready and runs into Seruious, Lucian, Jamez and Snap (of all people; maybe this was when he was a good guy). They’re in a band called xBlackxTearx (with Spartacus, I might add) and they’re backups for the Marilyn Manson concert tonight. Errorby says she’s in a band too and proceeds to wow them with “amazing” singing.

I like Boulevard of Broken Dreams, okay, but I think this cover has much to be desired. For one, the singer can’t pronounce the lyrics properly, the bad is out of synch, and they only got one lyric in on the second verse.

1.5/10. Would not listen again.

Ebony goes forward in tim.

Ew.

And she explains that she needs a new outfit for the concert that night. I wonder what her clothing budget is; I think it might be higher than the GDP of most developed countries. Trevolry, in her drug addled state, suggests a group cutting session.

If I wasn’t writing this review, I’d join in; this story has hurt my brain that much.

But they go to Potions instead, only instead of Snap we meet Cornelio Fuck, who’s taken over the school since Dumbydore’s been shipped off to Abhakaban (or whatever the misspelling is) because he’s old and has cancer.

Wow, that’s harsh.

But the students don’t care so Cornelio tells them to leave class. They run into Hargrif who’s putting an amnesia potion in Enony’s drink. Draco and Vampire beat him up “sexily” and he’s declared a poser.

We get another POV from Draco, and after he and Vampire reassure Enory that she’s beautiful Brittney the prep shows up and says they’re scary.

WHAT THE HELL IS A PREP?!?!?!?

I’m already 37 chapters into this dreck and not once, not once, have I gotten a concrete definition of what a prep is! I think it’s someone who likes pink and boy bands and the like, but Ebony decks herself out in pink all the time and has a hard-on for MCR and other bands. And we have no explanation as to why the preps and the goffs hate each other! The Outsiders expanded upon the rivalry between the Greasers and the Socs (Blue and White Collar students trying to one-up one another in the most violent way possible, more or less), but this… this has no explanation. It’s just conflict for the sake of conflict! To make matters worse, the crimes of the preps are staring at people and redecorating the school. The goffs have tortured, consumed illegal substances, resisted authority, and even murdered a few people over the course of the story. And this is presented as a good thing.

So I ask again, WHAT. IS. A PREP?!

…

Let’s just get this over with, shall we?

We switch POVs again and learn that Sinister was shipped off to Azkhabin or wherever because she was too goffik. Ebony goes back in time and meets up with Satan to go to the concert. They get in Satan’s car (driven by a guy named Stan. Marvel Fans, here’s your Stan Lee cameo), and they talk about… you know what, you should know by now. NEXT SCENE!

They start watching Friday the 13^th (I thought it was The Exercise SHUT UP!) and Unami tries to drug Satan. It doesn’t work because it hasn’t been invented yet and- STOP!

Time travel is confusing, I’ll give you that, but nine times out of ten technology and items from the future work just fine in the past (the usual exception being cell phones, unless you’re in Doctor Who). If it didn’t work, traveling to the past would be a one way ticket because your time machine hadn’t been invented then, so there’s no way it would work. Army of Darkness would have been much less fun if Ash’s shotgun and chainsaw didn’t work because they didn’t exist in Dark Ages England.

Okay, let’s get back to the fic.

Ebony and Satan decide to have sex in the movie theatre…

…

…

She kills a prep. NEXT SCENE!

They go to the concert and after Marilyn Manson does his thing Ebony and her slaves come on and start playing. Lucian screws up and Jamez gets so pissed that he pulls a gun and tries to shoot his arm off.

Dude, calm down! It’s not like he killed your wife or anything!

But Enoby takes the bullet for Lucian and DIES! AND THEN SHE ENDS UP IN HELL AND REALITY REASSERTS ITSELF! EVERYONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER! THE END!

Well, thank you all for reading. What do I think of this fic? It sucks, but it had a nice-

Wait, what?

There’s more?!

Actually, what apparently happened was that a hacker hijacked the story and wrote a sequence (a well written sequence) where Ebony dies and everything goes back to normal. The madness continues in chapter 40.

Enoby wakes up in the nurse’s office and sees Vloxemort, who doesn’t look as evil anymore. He starts crying that Emoby didn’t do her job. But he disappears when the rest of the cast arrives and is happy that Ebony is not dead.

They’re the only ones that care.

They decide to go have a cutting session when Ebony sees Draco having gay sex with Snap. Okay, I can understand that he’s your boyfriend, and Snap’s a grown man (although the age of consent in England is 16), but a very long time ago you said that gay dudes were hot.

CONSISTENCY!

Enoby runs back to her room and slashes her wrists with a steak. Hey, I was right about that! But when she wakes up she finds out she’s back in Tim again.

Ew.                                      

Anyway, everything is cool now and Enoby walks back with Datan and they meet Hedwig.

You know, Harry’s pet owl?

Actually, no, this Hedwig is a blonde gay dude who used to be in the band but dropped out due to a broken arm (Maybe Jamez thought he wasn’t playing his guitar properly and decided to lengthen the poor guy’s arm by a few inches). It turns out that he was Satan’s boyfriend but they broke up a while ago. Ebony says she can hook them back up again.

So, Ebony goes back in time, screws a guy who screwed another guy (despite nearly dumping Draco when she believed he had AIDS from screwing Vampire), and then wants to set up the guy she screwed so he could screw the guy he screwed so he won’t turn evil and have her kill the guy who screwed her boyfriend and might have given him AIDS?

My head hurts more than it did ten chapters ago.

So, they go ahead with the plan (and apparently Hedwig carries a Glock around with him). But they are interrupted by Dumblydore and Mr. Norris.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU SAVED ME YET?!

Dumblydore takes them to his office and prepares to ship them off to prison for being goffs. But Enoby’s time travel iPod changes and she and Satan jump in. They go to the future and she explains what an iPod is to Satan.

“‘OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice.

“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.

“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled.”

Why would she not be the same person? This is time travel, not teleportation using alien technology. And you know what a 4 letter word for dirt is? Dirt. And for a supposed Satanist, “giggled” doesn’t seem like a good descriptive word.

THIS STORY SUCKS!

Anyway, all her friends come in and meet up with Satan. Then Professor Sinister shows up and asks how Snap got out of Azerbaijan.

So, the wizard prison is in the Caucasus region?

Actually it’s explained that Brittney let them out. I would say that does make her a villain, but considering that she hasn’t done much in the story I’ll let it pass. Ebony runs to confront the preps, tortures them for a little bit, then runs back for a reunion with Vampire.

Pointless Scene #... I really don’t know. I lost track after #1.

 So, they decide to go find Draco when Voldemort starts to show up. They split up.

NEVER SPILT THE PARTY!

Ebony finds Draco and they make up before Loopin shows up. They capture him and threaten to torture him unless he tells them where Voldemint is. Satan and Vampir show up and they all decide to have a nice big orgy while Loopin looks on in horror (I know I would). Everyone pulls out Glocks too and they keep having sex until Snap crashes through the ceiling driving Draco’s car.

…

What.

After Draco reveals Snape raped him, everyone puts on their clothes except for Satan, who reveals her really was Voldemort the whole time!

EW!!! Ebony had sex with a creepy snake guy pretending to be a gay guy from the past?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS STORY?!

So, there’s kind of a fight scene, blackmail, some other crap I can’t remember, Shark Attack 3 reference, and the story ends with Ebony casting Abra Kedavra. That’s it. My Immortal is done.

My final thoughts?

It sucks.

This is probably one of the most stupid, poorly written things I have ever read. What can be considered a plot makes no sense, the characters are flatter than a 2x4, the descriptions are ridiculous, and the spelling would put Marion Webster into a coma. It really reads more like a Hot Topic catalogue interspersed with recaps of punk concerts with some reminders that this is a Harry Potter story.

That being said, it’s not horrible. It’s a piece of crap, but it’s an enjoyable piece of crap. If you read it straight you’re going to be disappointed, but if you read it as a modern art piece or a comedy fic then it becomes the greatest thing ever.

I chose My Immortal as my first review for this very reason, because of its unintentional hilarity. But there are fics out there that have no saving graces, nothing that can be said to be stupidly funny.

I’m doomed.

You all have a good day now!

(Regretfully, I do not own Star Wars, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Harry Potter, Power Girl, or any other references. Thankfully, I don't own My Immortal, so yay for small mercies)