It's time to do what has tobe done: Half Life: Full Life Consequences

Welcome back to Fanfic Masochism.

Sometimes, there comes a fic that is so bad, so stupid, that we can’t help but say that it’s great. I like to call these the My Immortal brand of fanfics, the ones that are awful and destroy everything we love about the fandom, but because they’re filled with misspellings and accidental innuendo they become hilarious instead of rage inducing.

And then there are those like Legend of Dumbass Avatar Skye, that are just Rage Inducing.

So I decided to take a break from really long stories for another bad fanfic that I hold dear to my heart: Half Life: Full Life Consequences by squirrelking.

Not yet. We’ll get to that in a minute.

Now, as someone who hasn’t played Half Life or Half-Life 2, something like Full Life Consequences isn’t going to hurt me as bad as Legend of Dumbass Avatar Skye is. I’m not as connected to Gordon Freeman as I am to the Gaang, so I probably won’t rage out too much if he’s acting out of character.

Although, given that Gordon never actually speaks in the game, acting out of character might be easy to spot (I’ve been on the internet long enough to know when to do my research).

Anyway, let’s get on with it and see just how bad these Full Life Consequences are.

Needless to say, spoilers.

The fic opens by introducing us to John Freeman, Gordon Freeman’s brother, who one day is working at the office when he gets an email from Gordon Freeman that aleins and monsters are attacking his place.

Because people have time to email others for help while being attacked by extra dimensional monsters.

Also, why is Gordon Freeman asking (although the fic has it written as axing; guess he is really a crazed, mute lunatic) John Freeman for help? For all we know, he’s an office worker; how is he supposed to help fight against monsters? What can he do, convince a carrier battle fleet and accompanying Marines to divert all their resources to help one person?

Shown here: Heresy

THAT MOVIE SUCKED!!!

But anyway, John Freeman goes to help Gordon Freeman and goes up to the roof of the office building. Why? Because his motorcycle is there, that’s why!

… Why is his motorcycle on the roof?

After a quick wardrobe change (thankfully, unlike My Immortal, we don’t go into major details) John Freeman hops on his motorcycle and prepares to fight the bad guys.

“its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences"

Um… what exactly are “Full Life Consequences”? Is it that one of our heroes might wind up with a severe case of dead? Is it that the ramifications of fighting against extra dimensional monstrosities might shake the course of history as we know it?

Eh, who cares?

After this declaration, John Freeman raps off the building (that’s why he parked on the roof) and drives off to help Gordon Freeman. As he drives along, he takes time to make sure that there aren’t zombies or other nasties around, since he is currently unarmed.

That’s… actually pretty smart. Not driving into a battle zone unarmed, that’s stupid, but checking for enemies is smart. Of the three major protagonists in the fics I have reviewed, John Freeman is currently the most intelligent.

As he’s driving, we get a description of what the area John Freeman is driving through is like.

The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky.

Uh… okay, that was a bit stupid. The plants were singing?

That song is way too catchy…

John Freeman, being the Warrior Poet he is, comments on this:

John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".

I know this is a troll fic, but this easily could have been written by a first time writer. Therefore, there is a mistake here: break up some of the longer, more rambling sentences, and if it’s dialogue make sure it sound like something someone would actually say in casual conversation.

Also, since John Freeman is completely unarmed at this time, how is he supposed to help Gordon? Maybe he’ll be able to borrow the almighty Crowbar of the Free Man.

If that’s not a Munchkin card yet, it needs to be one.

Anyway, John Freeman drives fast to get to Gordon when he is pulled over by the cops. Wow, that’s surprisingly affective for the cops. Go them.

But not all is well, for John Freeman sees that the cop is possessed and has headcrabs.

Ew.

"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said
"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.
"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.

HOW?! It was stated when John Freeman first began his journey that he was unarmed, and yet he SHOOTS THE HEADCRAB OFFICER IN THE HEAD! DID HE USE MIND BULLETS OR SOMETHING?!

… That actually sounds cool.

John Freeman speeds off to find his brother when he comes across a sign advertising Ravenholm, and below that “u shudnt come here”. Seeing this sign, John Freeman almost chickens out and drives home when he hears screaming, so he continues on. He hits another ramp, jumps off his motorcycle, and uses a bit of motorcycle-fu to take out some headcrab zombies.

John Freeman hurries to find Gordon Freeman, and lime many a first person shooter protagonist stumbles across “wepon”, which he then picks up and uses against a horde of zombie goasts in front of a house.

… No really, they’re actually called zombie goasts.

John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.

PUNCTUATION! USE IT!!!

After killing the zombie goasts, John Freeman hurries off and finds Gorden Freeman fighting the Final Boss.

And this is why I usually avoid video game fics, especially ones based off of shooters. Sometimes people focus more on the mechanics and setup of the game rather than the plot, which has become even more pronounced now that “plot” is slowly becoming sidelined by “Oh look at this new feature for multiplayer!” If I want to play against another person, I’ll break out my 40K minis and have the satisfaction of besting my opponent through luck and cunning instead of hearing poorly worded, racists comments over a headset. What am I trying to get at? Stating that something is the “Final Boss” breaks the standard flow of a written story, and makes it come off as less of a story and more of a level summary.

But I’m losing focus. John Freeman goes over and shoots the Final Boss in the eye, blinding him and allowing Gordon Freeman to finish him off with a good punch to the face.

John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.

Oh hey look, Gordon Freeman talks! I knew there was something bad about this fic.

But their revelries are broken when John Freeman spots something in the sky. Gordon Freeman tells John Freeman to run for it, and is stepped on by the Next Boss for his troubles.

Wait… the Next Boss?

The Final Boss is dead! There shouldn’t be a Next Boss! Heck, we shouldn’t even have to know that this is a Boss at all, because this is a fanfiction and not a video game!

…

This fic’s almost over. Yay me.

Anyway, after this happens John Freeman swears revenge and we get a “To be continued?” message below.

I’ll get to those sequels eventually, as for this story? Well… It’s stupid, and rather boring.

There are a few bits that can be seen as “So Bad, It’s Good” but written out it’s a rather bland trollfic. At least My Immortal went really over the top with its badness, while Full Life Consequences doesn’t go far enough. It almost does, but then it just rushes ahead and loses out.

However, someone had the bright idea to do a dramatic reading with a little help from Garry’s Mod…

And POOF! Bland trollfic becomes the greatest thing since Epic Sax Guy. Admittedly, writing has drawbacks that can be solved by visuals, and when they get as… weird as the video shown above, they can make something as dull as Full Life Consequences into a work of “art”.

Well… I feel a lot better now. After the wringer that was Legend of Skye, Full Life Consequences was a pleasant release. But now I’ll have a whole new badfic to look forward to once this is up.

…

Yay.