Do You Know What Your Sin Is? Harry Potter turns to the Lord

Welcome back to Fanfic Masochism.

I like to consider myself a religious person. I go to church, do devotionals, tithe, read the Bible, things like that. When it comes to my writing, I try my best to be subtle and try not to smack people over the head with things like “ACCEPT JESUS MOTHERFUCKERS!!” (from the Warrior Cats fanfic “Star Kits Prophesy”), because that way I can avoid coming off as a preachy asshole. This is harder when it comes to fantasy, although in that case I defer to the works of C.S. Lewis and JRR Tolkien for examples where religious symbolism and allegory mixes well with a fantastic world.

And if it weren’t for Catholicism, Warhammer 40K would not be nearly as interesting.

Do you have time to hear the good news of our Lord and Savior the Emperor today?

But then there’s the Internet: for every Tolkien or Lewis you find, you get twenty Jack Chicks.

See, there are those out there who want to spread the word of Christ, but are not talented writers. And then there are fundamentalists, those that follow the word but not the meaning behind the word. Combine the two, and bad things happen. And when one of those gets a hold of Harry Potter, you have this week’s subject: Harry Potter turns to the Lord by Saint Abraham (we presume; it’s possible that the story was deleted at one point and then reposted later).

It was a tossup between this and The Prayer Warriors as to my essay on “How not to bring religion into stories”, but since I could not find a copy of Prayer Warriors I chose this fic instead. I actually drew out my intro as long as possible so I didn’t have to read this thing.

Well, let’s just get it over with. Spoilers below.

The story opens with Harry being confronted by nightmares… That actually is a common occurrence in the books, although instead of it being Voldemort trolling him with “hey, people are going to die”, it’s more like he feels that demonic spirits are after him. Frustrated by this, he goes to Professor Dumbledore for advice.

And for whatever reason, Dumbledore is listed as one of his primary instructors.

Dumbledore is the headmaster of Hogwarts. He doesn’t teach classes, he makes sure the school is running properly and that the teachers are doing their jobs. It’s like an American principal started teaching Math or Physics or something.

Why do Americans keep having to screw up Harry Potter?

Dumbledore advises that Harry takes some time off (although since Harry’s the Chosen One, shouldn’t he be doing something to prevent him from either having his soul dragged off to Hell or someone become Death Eater target practice?), and when that fails Harry goes for a ride on his broomstick… outside of school grounds. Okay, Harry might break the rules from time to time, but even he knows better than to go off school grounds. That basically like waving a “Hey Death Eaters, come kill me!” sign over his head. If he really needed some space to clear his head, I’m sure he could have found a nice, secure spot within school grounds where he could relax and unwind for a day or two.

But because of his fatigue, Harry loses control and crashes into the ocean. Because he’s so tired, he lets himself fall and be swept away.

Um…

Isn’t the general reaction to falling into water to try your best and not drown? Even Jack from Titanic got that bit right, and he died of exposure more than anything. Unless Harry’s actually the Avatar and can put himself in makeshift cryogenic stasis, or has some magical thing that lets him breath underwater and not contract hypothermia from crashing into the North Atlantic, he’s not going to last long enough to wash up on shore, wherever that is.

Or maybe he did die and the rest of this story is his dying dream… yeah, let’s go with that.

Anyway, after what I presume is a page break Harry is woken up by some guy, who he denotes as a muggle because of his simple clothing.

So… the definition of a wizard is someone who wears fancy clothes and bling, rather than someone who can sling spells? Does that mean that this guy:

Is a wizard?

That’s stupid.

Anyway, Harry sees that this guy in plain clothes is a muggle because of that, and the dude addresses Harry as “Young Man”… despite the speaker being in his thirties…

… Okay?

Is this supposed to be because he’s been raised in a religious background? Because I have never had anyone, religious or otherwise, call me “young man” when addressing me, regardless of age (maybe it’s because I’m not paying attention… and don’t live in Europe). Usually it’s something like “sir” or just “hey you”, and then they call me by name once I’ve gotten a chance to know them better. And you only really see people calling other people “Young Man” if the subject is in serious trouble.

It’s a parent thing, I guess.

Harry asks who this guy is, and he introduces himself as David. Harry then notices that his stuff is missing and he’s dressed in denim jeans and a cardigan.

I know that you’re supposed to take off wet clothing to avoid chances of death by exposure, but that’s still rather creepy. Like Vertigo creepy.

“Where’s my robe?”

“Drying by the fire” David replied. “I found some peculiar trinkets inside. Really quite fascinating--- albeit evil.”

Because a stick, a broom and some other things are clearly the symbols of evil! I mean, ignore the Marks of the Chaos Gods, or any real marks and icons that can be drawn to Satan, this:

Is the root of all evil!

How the heck would David, a muggle and therefore someone who has not had a lot of exposure to the magical realm, know what a wizard’s possessions are and that they’re evil? On top of that, how the heck did he actually find out that there were such things as wizards in the first place? It’s mentioned that he knows about Hogwarts (although it’s referred to as an academy instead of a school- I don’t know; someone can’t get it right that Dumbledore’s a headmaster, not a simple professor, and they call the place an academy), so why hasn’t he done something like tell the media “Hey, there are wizards!”

Does this mean there’s a sect of the Christian faith that teaches “Detect Evil”? Because if there is, why hasn’t anyone told me about it, or better yet why didn’t they stop really bad things like World War II from happening?

Evil-Detecting Christian: Yo, Chamberlain! That Hitler guy just reeks evil! He’ll probably betray your trust and start a big war.

Chamberlain: Well, we can’t have that happen, now can we? Hey, Hitler, you’re evil and the world knows it, so piss off and go back to Germany.

Hitler: Nein!

Churchill: Well, too bad! (punts Hitler back to Berlin)

As a history major I know there were other factors that lead into World War II, but a guy can dream, can’t he?

So Harry asks how the heck this David knows about wizards and stuff despite not being a wizard himself. David reveals that he is a stalker actually met another Hogwarts student that went through the same thing: became a powerful magic user, had nightmares which the teachers told her to ignore, she came out and found him and he showed her the Bible.

Oh yeah, totally the same… except that, in canon, most of Harry’s dreams have to deal with the fact that the most powerful evil wizard on the planet is gunning for him, not demons trying to drag his soul to Hell.

Harry is of course skeptical, so David does what fundamentalists do best: use scripture as a bludgeon. Deuteronomy 18:10-12, to be exact:

Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination and sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the LORD, and because of these detestable practices the LORD your God will drive out those nations before you.- NIV Translation.

Okay, fair enough, there are a few things like that in the Harry Potter books (although most of the time the prophesies and omens aren’t really played straight or taken seriously).

But then David goes on to say that the passage perfectly describes what Harry is doing as evil and forwarding the agenda of Satan.

…

Um…

…

Are we reading the same Harry Potter books?

It was never stated in the books that shooting spells out of a stick or flying around on a broom is forwarding the corruption of Satan. And Harry has never done anything really evil because of it; he hasn’t murdered anyone, he hasn’t blasphemed, he hasn’t cheated on his girlfriend with someone else (despite what the shippers would say). Heck, if anything Harry is a stand in for Jesus himself; incredibly powerful, had to die to defeat the villain and save the innocent, came back strong and destroyed the enemy forever. Also, the books support a lot of good morals: friendship, the power of love, selfless sacrifice, the ultimate victory of Good over Evil. If it was forwarding Satan’s agenda, would they even celebrate Christmas (although Christmas has become incredibly commercialized over the past few centuries)?

Yes, in the books there are such things as divination and potion making, but the potions are more like old timey medicine and healing salves than, say, poison, and most of the divination is inaccurate in some way or another (Neville could have been the Chosen One instead of Harry, anyone?). The characters are never seen summoning spirits or dead souls to ask for predictions, and they most certainly haven’t sacrificed people to gain power.

You know who has? VOLDEMORT! THE BAD GUY!

Obviously, in Saint Abraham’s version of the books, Harry is an evil douchebag who is more than happy to serve the Great Enemy and is taught how to curse people with diseases and bad fortune.

Saint Abraham's interpretation of Harry Potter

Anyway, Harry’s a bit skeptical about this, and we get this lovely line:

“I refuse to believe it. Regardless of the nightmares I am suffering, I will not lower myself to the level of a lowly muggle.”

Let’s count the reasons that statement is out of character:

1.      Harry was raised by muggles. He’s already been at this so-called “lowly” level

2.      One of Harry’s best friends has non-magical parents. Unless he’s been hiding racism for a long time, he would not disrespect her in such a way

3.      Harry’s own mother had non-magical parents. So he must hate his mother, the woman who saved him from getting killed by Voldemort

CONGRATULATIONS, SAINT ABRAHAM! YOU JUST REVEALED THAT YOU DID JACK SHIT WHEN RESEARCHING THIS FIC!

David feels that Harry needs some time to rest. So, are we going to see Harry get his stuff and hightail it back to Hogwarts so that the bad guys don’t kill him? Or, going with the theme, are we going to see a long, philosophical discussion concerning the evils of “witchcraft”?

Harry remained at David’s seaside cottage for a week, for the nightmares did not intrude upon his sleep when he stayed there, for reasons he could not comprehend. David taught him all about Christ, and the ultimate sacrifice He made for the people of the world. And the more Harry heard of it, the more he understood of his wizardry and its evils.

…

…

What.

The.

(Review interrupted for catharsis)

Okay… I feel better now.

That being said, THIS IS YOUR ATTEMPT AT CONVEYING TIME?! WHERE’S THE CONFLICT?! THE STRUGGLE?! YOU JUST SAID “Oh, it took a week for Harry to convert to Christianity” AND THAT’S IT?! AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER, LEGEND OF DUMBASS SKYE HAS MORE CONFLICT THAN THIS PIECE OF CRAP FIC!

To add insult to injury, we know nothing about what David told Harry over the course of that week, except the vague description of Christ and what he did for the world. For those of us that haven’t read the Bible, WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT WERE THE DETAILS?! And I would like a clear explanation as to WHY wizardry is evil, rather than just assuming that we know that already. While I do believe that readers of stories are very intelligent, if an author makes too many assumptions concerning what they know then it’s just going to alienate those that don’t know.

Finally, if this has taken a week to happen, WHY HASN’T THE WIZARDING WORLD DONE SOMETHING? HARRY POTTER IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST CELEBRITIES THEY HAVE, AND IF HE JUST UP AND VANISHES SHOULDN’T PEOPLE BE CONCERNED?!

Oh wait, no one cared when Harry was saying he had nightmares, so why should they care when he goes missing?

EVEN JESUS THINKS THIS IS STUPID!

Anyway, after this “amazing conversion” Harry prays to God for forgiveness. Once completed, he sets out to go spread the word of Christ to the rest of the world. THE END!

Oh, but it gets a lot worse. Check out the first review for this story:

Profound...

A true masterpiece, worthy of Christ's blessing.- Saint Abraham.

Yeah, that’s right. He reviewed his own story and declared it worthy of God.

Saint Abraham, do you know what your sin is?

I don’t have to say more; I have read plenty of stories, and not even Tara Gillespie said something like that. This is one of the most prideful, idiotic things a writer can do. For those of you out there that are up and coming writers, never, and I mean NEVER, review your own work. Doing so allows for too much bias and absolutely smacks of arrogance, and if you give it a review like this then that boils down to you saying “I am an awesome, perfect writer that everyone should respect and never criticize”.

Also, Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Saint Abraham even screwed up his Biblical research. If this was a troll fic I’d pass it off as “Ha! I troll u lol!!!1!” But no.

This is dead serious. Saint Abraham meant everything he said.

There is no hope of saving the world.

This thing sucks. The plot is rushed, the characters are flat when they aren’t OOC, the message is hollow and terribly explained, and the author is the most prideful douchebag I have ever had the dubious honor of encountering. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just read the back of one of the books and decided “Ooh, that sounds Satanic!” If he is even reading this, this is my advice: GET OFF YOUR NARROW, FUNDAMENTALIST HIGH CHAIR AND READ THE BOOKS!!! And then chop off your hands and cut out your tongue so you can never write again.

Now, religion integrated into fanfics can be good, if handled correctly. What it requires is that the author take some time to research what they believe, read through the story a few times to make sure that a conversion would actually be possible, and then have it progress at a logical rate and in such a way that it does not violate the character. Harry Potter turns to the Lord does none of that, and just barges on ahead with a “witchcraft is evil and Harry is a Satanist” message without a care in the world for research or logic.

I pray to God that this is the last I have to see of things like this...