The Drowning Man- My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing

Hello, and welcome back to Fanfic Masochism.

A few years ago, I wrote a paper trying to analyze the mind of a “hater”. One of the points I brought up was to question why we still label things as “For Boys” and “For Girls”. As far as media is concerned, it’s all reliant on the particular tastes of the consumer; I have met girls who enjoy games like Resident Evil and Warhammer 40K, and several of my guy friends are Bronies. The general public, however, has not fully accepted this, and still believe that such lines exist and must be enforced (this killed Young Justice, because far be it for girls to like superhero cartoons).

Just to show how this outset is generally flawed, and in the wrong hands can produce quite the atrocity, let me introduce you to Dakari-King Mykan.

Dakari-King Mykan is infamous on the Internet for several reasons. 1) He’s a terrible writer, 2) he’s terrible at receiving criticism, and 3) his idea of what children’s shows marketed towards boys should be like is even more childish than most shows marketed for toddlers. Most of his works are one-man whinefests about how his favorite ships didn’t actually happen (most of his Digimon or Teen Titans fics), but perhaps his most infamous “creation” of recent memory is this week’s subject:

My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing.

Now, this fic has been talked about by other writers. However, it has not been talked about by me, so I get a chance to see just how bad this thing is… Since this blog is called Fanfic Masochism, I can only expect the worst.

Spoilers ahoy!

The first thing I want to point out is the opening author’s notes. Ignoring my unease around author’s notes to begin a story, let’s take a look:

FIM is a BIG MISTAKE to me... its horrible… so I guess an alternate universe is in order!

Our author’s motive, ladies and gentlemen!

Now, in Mykan’s defense this is not a terrible reason. If you don’t like how something is done, the medium of fanfiction allows you to correct it. I despise almost all of Seth MacFarlane’s work, yet thanks to the magic of fanfiction I could completely rewrite all of it to make his characters somewhat sympathetic or likeable.

However, before any reworking can be done the author should have a good understanding of the universe they wish to rework, what its problems are, and then how to address them. Now, understanding the universe is the easy part; identifying and then ironing out its problems is the harder part, and the part where an author’s skills are truly put to the test. Were the characters totally unlikeable? Give them some realistic flaws that need to be ironed out. The plot was lame? Give them new adventures and problems to deal with.

Also, it would be nice if the author identifies just what their grievances towards the work is. I hate Family Guy because the cast is full of idiots, gluttons, Leftist know-it-alls, drunkards, and sociopaths. Mykan hates My Little Pony because… well, BECAUSE! Here he says it’s horrible, but he has yet to elaborate upon why he thinks that way.

Oh joy, this is going to be another “Harry Potter turns to the Lord”, isn’t it?

So, our story proper opens with the prologue/intro… couldn’t make up your mind, could you Mykan?

(Deep voice…)

Oh, so this is a script fic? Well, that’s new.

Actually, it’s just something Mykan threw in because I think he wanted us to experience this as if it were a real TV show. I came here to read a story, not watch TV, thank you very much.

So the opening narration mentions that long ago in a distant land, Aku, the shapeshifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil! But a foolish samurai warrior, wielding a magic sword, stepped forth to oppose him... Wait, wrong story.

What is really says is that long ago, there was a magical kingdom called Unicornicopia.

One of these, I think. Can you feel the magic?

This nation is populated solely by winged unicorns, who are themselves governed by the benevolent Big Brother Grand Ruler, a “tri-horned alicorn” (so named because he has purple wings). Now, it’s the Grand Rulers job to make sure his nation is safe, and that all the little unicorns are happy… wait, what happened to the winged unicorns? Are they like the oppressed minority, lorded over by the Grand Ruler and his unicorn nobility?

I wish. That actually sounds interesting.

Each and every unicorn, though gifted with certain forms of magic and power, did not always rely so heavily on magic to solve all their problems and get through life, for they knew that the real magic came from the magic of believing!

So, Friendship is Magic, but stupider. Also, the “magic of believing”? Believing in what? God? Allah? Brahman? The idea that Aang can save the world? That they can be Special? What do these winged unicorns believe in?

I take no responsibility for any mental scarring.

But all is not well, for evil forces come to attack the kingdom, led by an evil sorcerer who has come to conquer all other dimensions!

The unicorns tried to reason with him but the sorcerer merely scoffed at their friendly ways, and talk of believing, and unleashed his dark magic, threatening the entire kingdom with chaos and destruction.

Um… okay, did they seriously believe that this guy would just listen to reason? You’ve already stated that he’s a multiversal conqueror; why would he care about what one little speck wants?

So they try to fight back, but the evil sorcerer is just too powerful. Then the Grand Ruler steps in and one-hit KO’s the bad guy with the Uniforce!... Okay first off, that’s a dumb name for a super weapon. Second off, why didn’t you lead with that if it was capable of taking out this powerful foe?

Also, you can draw parallels between this and the backstory of Friendship is Magic: Princess Luna was upset that ponies didn’t seem to appreciate her night, and decided that 24 hour night would be better. Her sister begged her to relent and bring the sun back, but she wouldn’t listen to reason and turned into Nightmare Moon. Celestia (reluctantly) used the Elements of Harmony to seal her away and end Nightmare Moon’s reign.

Why is the FIM version better? Well, think about it for a moment: Celestia only used the Elements of Harmony as a last resort, and tried her best to appeal to her beloved sister’s good nature before sending her to the moon. The Grand Ruler, however, has no connection to this evil sorcerer and lets him plow through the winged unicorns before unleashing his ultimate weapon.

Wow, and I thought Skye Dumbass was inattentive.

So, the Grand Ruler decides to spare the evil sorcerer’s life, banishing him to the Dimension of Darkness and deeming his imprisonment to be satisfactory.

Well if he did that then this story would have no plot.

In time, the events and the threat were forgotten, and peace returned to Unicornicopia where the unicorns continued to live their lives through the magic of believing.

Wait a second… that’s exactly what happened to Nightmare Moon! It happened a thousand years ago, and by the time the series opens it’s considered nothing but a ghost story.

Mykan, you need to try a little harder in separating your series from canon.

We cut to who knows how far in the future and are introduced to our protagonist, a white and brown winged unicorn with a golden horn (we get it) with “AOoC” written on his chestplate.

I know what that stands for! Actually Out of Character!... Right?

His companion, a small fairy with long blonde hair, and wearing a pink skirt felt puzzled. "So it really does exist, Lightning…?" she asked.

Because little fairies are so much cooler than dragons!

Anyway, this is Lightning Dust and his friend Krysta, our heroes… Wait, wasn’t Krysta the main fairy from Fern Gully?

Whatever, Lighting believes that the Uniforce and the bad guys exist, but he’s mostly confused about why the Grand Ruler wanted him to be his personal sex toy student. He’s not particularly powerful, and he and Krysta had only just moved in from White Town-

It’s pretty much Apartheid; all the white unicorns live in White Town, all the blue ones live in Blueville, etc. and so forth.

Why does Mykan think this is better than Equestria?

Krysta reminds him that the Grand Ruler told him to go out, make friends, and always remember to believe.

Lightning could hardly understand what all this "Believing" was supposed to mean either.

That makes two of us.

We then cut to a song! ... A very poorly written song… A very poorly written song that contains a couple of painful rhymes. Look, when you just write the lyrics out like that it’s kind of hard for us to know what the song is supposed to sound like. Is it cheery and upbeat, like Friendship Is Magic’s theme? Is it fast pace and somewhat inspiring, like Attack on Titan? Is it a polka? A dirge?

HOW DO YOU WANT US TO SING THIS SONG?!

We then get more author’s notes:

I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!

Things are going to be different around here.

Really? Considering you ripped off the first two minutes of Friendship is Magic Part 1, I’m not too enthusiastic.

There were many different places in Unicornicopia; most were named after their colors.

Bluesville… Greenland… Orange-Range… but the central and largest area was called Rainbow City Central, where most Unicorns went to have fun, or do their duties. Lightning could see them all down below, the anthropomorphic unicorns having fun, going to work, or some just flying around.

Still not convinced this place isn’t running on the Apartheid system?

Anyway, Lighting and Krysta land near a garden, which causes Krysta to sneeze… was that supposed to be funny, because I’m not laughing. Anyway, the sneeze causes some of the flowers to bend over, because apparently that’s what happens when flowers get sneezed on. This draws the attention of the owner of the garden, a red unicorn by the name of Buddy Rose, and he’s able to fix the problem with ease because gardening is his special talent.

Oh really? The guy named Buddy Rose is good with flowers? I would never have guessed that.

Lightning goes to introduce himself, but Buddy Rose says he already knew he was coming because the Grand Ruler told everyone to look out for him. Immediately thereafter he hands Lightning a small basket of veggies and tells him to take it to the Rainbow Dash Dish Inn.

"Perfect!" Lightning scoffed.

"Well… that went well." joked Krysta.

First off, you’re an asshole. A guy asks you for a favor and when you accept it, you grumble about what a pain it is. Second of all, why is Krysta joking about this? Nothing went wrong; it’s not like Obadiah Stane talking to Tony Stark after the latter pretty much sank the company by shutting down the weapons branch of Stark Industries.

And these guys are our heroes?

It was a good thing that Unicornicopians were anthropomorphic, meaning Lightning could just stand upright and walk on his hind legs while using his front legs like arms to carry the basket.

How is that better? Standing on two legs is incredibly unstable when compared to walking on all fours; your center of gravity is further away from the ground, which would be further impeded by carrying a heavy load, and having four stable points on the ground makes it harder for something to slip. Why else would chairs be made with four legs?

Anyway, Lighting wusses out and has to take a rest, moaning about how he can’t use magic.

GROW A PAIR! I can’t use magic and I can lift more than a stupid basket of vegetables.

They rest in the part and mess up some dude’s painting. Assholes. But then the guy improvises and paints Krysta, calling his new work “Fairy in the Park”.

How original.

Anyway, this is Artie. He’s an arsonist an artist.

Please tell me we’ll meet Stabby the knife nut next.

Also, apparently he’s surprised that he’s actually seeing a fairy, since they otherwise don’t exist. Lightning notes that his surprise is rather odd.

…

…

…

YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE! This is something that no one has ever seen before, and yet you find it odd that people are excited at actually seeing one? If I was walking down the street and a real life Sky Bison dropped out of the sky right in front of me, I’d probably squee like a little girl and then go give it a hug, not just say “Oh, that’s interesting” and move on.

Moving on, Lightning notes that they need to leave, and he and Krysta hurry off. As they move on, they forget to pay attention to where they’re going and crash into… Rhymey.

Now, the idea of speaking in rhyme has been done in Friendship Is Magic. Minor character Zecora speaks almost exclusively in rhymes, which is just chalked up as her being different (she’s a zebra). However, Zecora usually plays the wise mentor to the group (she’s FIM’s Yoda, more or less) and doesn’t appear for more than a minute or two, and that makes her speech pattern work.

Rhymey, on the other hand, is a major character. He is always speaking in rhymes, and he will always have a lot of screen time. That means we’re going to have to endure his rhymes for the rest of this story unless he gets his vocal chords ripped out (please tell me that happens), and hearing rhymes over and over again gets old very fast.

Rhymey says his piece and then wanders off, and since that added nothing to the whole “I must go meet people and make friends” plot that scene was completely pointless. Our heroes go to the Rainbow Dish in and are introduced to Cookie Dough.

Three guesses what he does.

Also, another thing I’ve noticed is that everyone gives out their special code number. My question is what is the meaning of it? The codes don’t really signify anything, and there not standardized like some dystopias so they can’t point to place in society. There’s no cipher, so we don’t know if this letter or that number is significant. Do they have something to do with their names or special talents?

My guess is that Mykan wanted them to be cool, so he just threw them in.

So, we meet Cookie Dough, who’s trying very hard to be hammier than Tabitha St. Germain (and failing miserably). He mistakes Lightning for a delivery boy (Bad porn music starts playing) but when Lightning formally introduces himself Cookie Dough drops everything and makes him food (Bad porn music stops). They eat and are satisfied.

He could satisfy the appetite of anyone, even if they were even hungry.

Redundant sentence is redundant.

After this, Cookie Dough sends Lightning to the hospital because he needs a physical. Everyone coming into Unicornicopia needs one, and…

Wait, the country’s named Unicornicopia. Wouldn’t Lightning have already gotten a physical? And why does he need a physical in the first place? Is this really a dystopia that requires its citizens to be in top physical condition?

As they leave, Cookie Dough gives them an invitation to the town library and observatory… That’s about as blatant as Dumbass opening that box and finding the bow, arrows and other shit inside.

Instead of getting a physical they decide to check these locations out, but they get caught by Dr. Penny Sillion (HA! IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE PENICILLIN!... go die in a corner). Lighting decides to be an asshole and is snippy throughout the entire physical, and Dr. Penny declares that Lightning is fine except for the fact he has no magic despite his golden horn.

OH REALLY?! I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED AFTER YOU SPENT ALMOST TWO WHOLE CHAPTERS DRILLING IT INTO MY SKULL!

They go to the library, and Lightning gets a sinking feeling they’re not alone. He’s proven right when Stabby jumps out and knifes Lightning in the chest a bunch of unicorns jump out to give him a surprise welcome party… which is the EXACT SAME THING PINKIE PIE DID IN FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC PART 1!!!

We’re introduced in Inquerius, the librarian… I don’t care.

Really, this entire chapter is the same formula: Lightning whines, he meets a new character, the character explains what they do, rinse and repeat. There’s been nothing to establish personality, or interests besides their special talent, nothing. My Little Pony got that right, in that it took time to establish the personalities of the Mane 6 and how they play off one another.

This…? Heh, I wish I was that lucky.

Next up on our meet and greet is Not-Trixie!... Okay, his name is Abra-Kadabra. So original. I’m still holding out for Stabby to show up and put us all out of our misery, or actually shake things up, but since when have my desires been fulfilled? He drafts Lightning into his act and, for once, Lightning is justified in being an asshole. Not-Trixie’s trick is to make Lightning go into a box, disappear, and then fall out of a hat.

Wow, I’m so amazed.

Lightning slips away from all this, and runs into a bimbo the most beautiful unicorn in the world named Starla Shine. Sorry Kalani and Mako, you just got one-upped in the “Fastest couple to hook up” race. What is she doing in the library, alone?

Babbling about the stars. What else would you expect from Mykan, originality when it comes to names and special talents?

 The two of them seemed to get along well for having just met. Starla explained she loved to look at the stars because to her they could tell stories, or give you advice.

Astrologer or crazy, your call.

Anyway, she reads the stars and learns that the evil sorcerer is coming back to have his vengeance. When? When else, tonight. Lightning tries to calm her down, since the Grand Ruler banished him a really long time ago, but it’s not use before Nightmare Moon appears onstage and declares it to be night for the rest of eternity the evil sorcerer arrives.

Lightning could barely speak as he just stood there, gawking at the evil creature as it spoke. "I… am… Titan! The emperor of all darkness, and bringer of chaos and nightmares…!"

So, this is Titan, our Big Bad. No, he’s not King Titan of the vastly superior Immortal Game. And he’s totally not Nightmare Moon! Ignoring that Nightmare Moon had the EXACT SAME MOTIVES AND ENTRANCE INTO THE SCENE!

Titan begins to kidnap the unicorns, and Lightning… charges in like an idiot and gets knocked on his ass. Seriously? Your big plan is to just Leroy Jenkins this? Can’t we get a story where the characters fight with actual tactics?!

We are introduced to Stereotypical British dude (Aka Brain) as our “heroes” mope about getting their asses kicked. After Brain proves not only to be a terrible stereotype, but also a scatterbrained idiot, they regroup and determine that Titan and the captured unicorns are headed to Blacktop Mountain, just on the other side of the Violet Swamp.

Good God, did Mykan put any thought into what to call these places?

Anyway, Brain says they should wait until tomorrow, because going through the swamp at night or flying would be too dangerous. Lighting doesn’t like that, so runs off on his own to fight the bad guys.

… He seriously thought this character would be better than Twilight Sparkle?

Back in his lair, Titan calls forth his minions… wow, there must be a lot of them hanging around for evil tyrants to come by and hire them, considering Titan was imprisoned for who knows how long and wouldn’t be able to hire minions during his imprisonment. These minions are named Mysterious, Rep-Stallion, and Dementia… because the Evil Overlord needs to be reminded who his money is going to. Even Darkseid isn’t that lazy.

The minions bowed. "Even as we speak, master." said Mysterious "We have laid traps and net our own creatures all over the swamp and the mountain trail."

Re-Stallion sniggered as he stroked the blade of his scythe. "Anyone who dares to come our way shall meet their eternal reward."

This pleased Titan, but he warned his minions not to take the unicorns lightly. "They are still capable of many things. I should know this."

Really? Let’s list their accomplishments so far:

1.      Lightning and friends yell at you to stop.

2.      Lightning charges in and gets his ass kicked.

Why are you so scared of them? And why haven’t you just gone back to conquering the world?

And who’s Re-Stallion? Shouldn’t that be Rep-Stallion?

This is interrupted when another minion informs Titan that Lightning is on his way to the castle now. Titan decides to watch and see how far the shmuck gets… instead of just sending down a bolt of lightning to blow the guy to bits. You conquered the world once, I think you could snuff out one little hero.

Lightning is having a hard time getting through the swamp because it’s dark out. He then gets eaten by a Grue He hears a noise and it turns out to be Krysta and the Seven Dumbasses (Skye was busy), who were somewhat smart and brought flashlights.

"You'd really all does that… for me?"

To further add to the racism, Lightning is now a redneck.

They all cheer and advance into the woods, Rhymey leading the way with his magic sword (say the right words, and it extends) until they run into a dog-wood… that’s a tree, right?

They run away like a bunch of loons until Artie blinds the thing with paint globs… that sounds cool, but it’s not. All the unicorns have a special attack that they can use, and they proceed to use said attack or trick to get through the traps with no problem at all. Do we see any of this?

Of course not! Because that wouldn’t be interesting at all!

I hate this story and I’m only three chapters in.

Throughout all this, Lightning is curious as to why they all used magic. The others explain that, as mandated by the Grand Ruler, magic is only to be used for defense and healing, like the Force but stupid. And I wonder why he would handicap his nation like that.

For the sake of comparison, look at Avatar: The Last Airbender. Quite a few people are capable of Bending, and while all of the Bending Arts have combat applications half of the interest is what they used Bending for when not trying to kill each other. Waterbenders have their healing, sure enough, but we have seen them use Waterbending for transportation, serving soup, walking at the bottom of lakes or swimming in really deep water, or even just using it as an umbrella when it rains. Aang’s air scooter is designed to be fun and speed up short trips, and he uses Airbending a few times to dry off when wet. Firebenders use their powers to make cool secret passageways, we see Zuko use it to light a small campfire and dozens of candles, and then there was that one guy who used it for his magic show. And Earthbenders can use their powers to repair walls, move trains and carts, cheat at gambling, mine, filter water, or remove obstacles in walking paths.

All these possible applications for powers… and the Grand Ruler will have none of that.

They reach Blacktop Mountain and start to climb… Can’t they just fly? Oh, they say they won’t fly because there might be traps. LAST TIME I CHECKED, NONE OF THE BAD GUYS WERE AIRBENDERS, AND IT’S REALLY HARD TO HAVE SENSORS TARGET ANYTHING THAT IS A) NOT MADE OF METAL AND B) ABOUT FIVE FEET TALL! Unless they use magic, but I doubt the villains are intelligent enough to do something like that.

Oh, but it gets worse. As some of the team is daunted by having to climb up a giant mountain, Lightning suggest they hold their breath and count to ten, since that’ll make your fears go away… That was also the advice people who were about to be gassed by the Nazis were given, so they wouldn’t have to suffer as long.

MYKAN, YOU ARE SICK!

And Rhymey, being the idiot that he is, suggest they sing a song about it! And everyone else, being even bigger idiots, agrees.

(This next part is sung to the chorus of “Let It Go”, from Frozen)

Shoot me now/ Shoot me now!

Don’t make me read any more.

Shoot me now/ Shoot me now!

This fic is such a bore.

See, this works better because, unless you’ve never seen Frozen or heard “Let It Go” (which you should probably correct before someone gets mad at you), you know what tune to sing to. Mykan doesn’t do that, he just chucks the song into the story and expects us to all know it by heart. WELL GUESS WHAT, I’M NOT PSYCHIC, SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR CHARACTERS ARE SINGING!

And throughout all this they’re running into monsters and traps, but since they’re so not afraid they just waltz on through. WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF SECURITY, WEYLAND-YUTANI?

So they reach the top of the mountain and… dither. They’re all a bunch of scared losers, and Brain suggests that maybe they should announce their presence, because that’s totally a good idea when you’re sneaking into someone’s evil lair!

They get trapped and Titan’s three morons show up. The morons taunt them and… we get a lazy fight scene.

Just once, just once, I would like to see a fight scene that doesn’t play out like a JRPG. Seriously, they call their attacks and everything. Do you know why people don’t call their attacks in real life? Because while you’re saying the name of your super special move, the other guy pulls a gun and puts a round through your stomach.

Although, if he was trying to make this different than My Little Pony, at least he has something of a good idea. I mean, it’s not like Friendship Is Magic has any decent fights in it-

…

…

…

Now THAT’S a fight scene!

MYKAN, WHY CAN’T YOUR FIGHTS BE LIKE THAT?!

They fight, Titan shows up and kicks their asses, but just before he wins Lightning rushes forward one last time.

Lightning remembered something The Grand Ruler told him... "Always remember… to believe!"

Lightning is able unleash the power of the Uniforce… you know, the power that the Grand Ruler used to defeat Titan in the first place… and he can use it with no explanation whatsoever… DEUS EX MACHINA!

Unfortunately, Lightning is having performance issues, and Titan is able to escape and swear revenge. Everyone celebrates that Lightning won until... PRAISE BE UNTO HIM, IT’S THE EMPEROR!

I wish. It’s actually the Grand Ruler, who decided to stop having a tea party with Skye Dumbass and come see what all the fuss was about. I brought up His Majesty because the description of the Grand Ruler is eerily similar to that of the God Emperor, except as a three-horned alicorn. As it turns out, it’s actually based of a cosplay Mykan did way back when… but come on, gold armor with red jewels? It’s pretty much the same as the Emperor’s armor.

Yeah, real original there, Mykan.

He explained why he took Lightning on as his apprentice was because Lightning had just used the Uniforce- the very same magic that he had used against Titan centuries ago. A magic so intense that only unicorns with rare golden horns would be able to tap into.

Thanks for telling us this instead of, I don’t know, SHOWING IT! WHY IS THIS IN THE NARRATION? WHY DON’T WE HAVE A SCENE WITH GRAND HIGH POOBAH TELLING THEM WHY HE CHOSE LIGHTNING?!

The Grand Ruler says that Lightning will learn about his powers in due time, and everyone goes home happy… Except for me. I’m mad. I think this whole thing was dull and uninspired.

Oh, but it gets worse. Much much worse:

Author's notes:

Now you get idea of how my characters are different.

See, I don't believe "Friendship is Magic" At all. I think it's a lie, and that is one reason I do not wish to get involved with much of FIM.

I make this fic so I don't have to ever watch FIM, get mixed up in those les, get hurt, and make a whole new world. That… and I was dared by spammer s and mockers who keep trying to force me to change and watch the show.

Yes, I see how your characters are different. They’re all two dimensional assholes who are completely stupid and unlikeable, unlike the well-developed characters Lauren Faust created.

You think friendship is a lie? Tell me something, if that were true then why the hell did you have Lightning get help from the others? Why didn’t he go it alone and beat Titan on his own? Why is he still hanging around with Krysta, unless she’s his servant or slave or something? AND WHY DID YOU SAYS THAT THE GRAND RULER INSTRUCTED HIM TO GO MAKE FRIENDS? YOU CAN’T EVEN KEEP THE FACT OF YOUR OWN DAMN STORY STRAIGHT!!!

And you’ve never even watched the show… obviously you must have considering how close your story is to the Season 1 opener. Even if you did not, it does not excuse the fact that YOU ARE A HORRIBLE WRITER!

… I can’t believe I’ve still got 25 more chapters of this drek to slog through. If only I was old enough to drink…

The next chapter is “Fearsome Flowers”.

You serious? That’s what you’re going with as a chapter title?

Whatever. My guess is that Buddy Rose is going to save the day.

The chapter opens with Lightning receiving a package from the Grand Ruler. It’s a bomb Lightning is curious as to what’s in it, but doesn’t bother opening it because he’s got more important things to deal with.

For you see, while everyone has been preparing for Titan’s return, Lightning’s been at the library studying up on the Uniforce. Why he doesn’t just ask the Grand Ruler for help is beyond me, but it would make sense since he used it before. Inquerius is annoying as ever (her shtick is that she speaks only in questions. It’s funny in theater games, not here). Krysta feels that Lightning is working too hard and that he needs to unwind a bit.

Hmm, sounds very similar to what Spike is always telling Twilight.

Back at Fail o’ Evil Lair, Titan and his minions are busy… hanging out and doing nothing. For an all-powerful sorcerer, you’re really lousy at conquering the world.

Actually, Titan decides he needs more time to prepare for his goal of conquering the world, so he tells his minions to go capture Lightning Dawn so he can study the Uniforce better and find a way to overpower it.

 

Seriously, why doesn’t Titan just kill him? He conquered the world before, it’s within his power to do this, and Lightning has no idea how he can summon the Avatar State the Uniforce (I shall never defile the Avatar State with this crap). Kill Lightning, and you’ve taken out a potentially powerful game changer in the upcoming conquest of the world. Why study the super weapon when you can just axe the one guy who’s willing to use it?

Back with our heroes, they’ve just finished eating lunch and Lightning is wondering why everyone’s so calm.

"I don't get it…" he said. "How can everyone be so calm when there's an evil force out that that could attack any minute?"

I have an answer. Is it because you’re all dumber than a pile of bricks?

But they’re distracted from these thoughts by flowers!

Cool, they get stoned. And I thought this fic sucked.

Actually, it’s just the smell, since Buddy Rose is so amazing with flowers he can make them smell better than they really are… I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works, but I can’t do magic so what would I know? Buddy says that they should take a look at his super special flowers, since they get you stoned even quicker and produce quite a trip… in my dreams.

He motioned for them to follow him to a vacant patch in the flowerbeds with only mere drawings such beautiful flowers on sticks. They were so incredibly beautiful it was almost impossible to describe them…

(Even I can't)

Translation: I’m such a shitty writer I can’t even describe flowers.

While Lightning and Buddy talk about flowers (and might actually develop something resembling character), it’s all interrupted when Rhymey points out the big scary monster coming to kill them all.

Shit, where’s a Jaeger when you need one?

They go to Redwood and find the monster, a giant flower with teeth… I’m just going to imagine Biollante’s rose form. They run for it and find Dementia (I found it a long time ago), who’s in control of Biollante. Instead of commanding her monster to eat Lightning, she tells it to back off so Lightning might have a chance to give up and come willingly.

ZAHEER DID IT BETTER!

Lightning of course doesn’t comply, lazy fight scene, Dementia’s makeup is ruined… Wow. Just wow. Are all the female characters in this story cripplingly flighty and stupid? I’m just going to give a preemptive “yes” and move on. They can’t overpower Biollante (it has a different name, but come on, it’s pretty much Biollante) but then they can with the timely arrival of Buddy Rose (and Godzilla’s never around when you need him).

Screw this. I'm going back to Japan

Oh, and now Lightning opens the box the Grand Ruler gave him. What’s inside? The Rainbow Rod, a totally non-phallic device that allows Lightning to shoot beams at his enemies, but takes a lot of energy to use.

Push the right buttons, it might extend!

He uses it to blow Biollante to smithereens, and they all go home happy. Brain figures out that it wasn’t really Biollante (yay), but instead the flowers were powered by ground up evil (ew). The Grand Ruler gives a stupid little Aesop, and absolutely nothing was gained.

Next chapter begins with the Grand Ruler mobilizing the populace to prepare for Titan’s inevitable attack… again. Lightning and Krysta are worn out from running supplies, but they can’t be worn out because it’s fitness day!... Maybe he was reading a synopsis of 1984 and got his facts miss up. Lightning is FEEBLE BABY MAN and can’t even complete the exercises, and for some reason Dr. Penny (remember she’s still in this fic) blames herself for causing him to pass out.

…

Moving on…

Back at Stupid Evil Inc., Rep-Stallion has a plan to capture Lightning. It probably has something to do with rocks.

Meanwhile, Lightning and Starla flirt, and then the bad guy shows up and turns a rock into Geodude… no wait, it has legs, so it’s the evolved form I can’t remember. Starla suggests Lightning blow it up with his magic rod, but Lightning says he can only do it when its weakness is exposed.

…

… Seriously? Your second ultimate weapon can only be used when the monster’s weakness is exposed? That’s a pretty big design flaw, don’t you think?

They get their asses kicked until Krysta exposes the monster’s weakness. They blow it up, Rep-Stallion runs away and Titan swears that next time the unicorns will lose. Does he punish Rep-Stallion for failing? Nope.

Grand Ruler Aesop, next chapter.

It’s raining. Krysta doesn’t like rain, and so needs an umbrella… AND YOU EXPECT US TO CARE?!

Mysterious says it’s his turn to lose to the unicorns… Now that I read this, it’s basically the same thing that happened in the last two chapters: Minion goes out and creates monster, good guys fight it but can’t win, Deus Ex Machina, Aesop, rinse and repeat. Now for specifics:

Mysterious goes to Bluesville and takes over the water works, making a water monster to go kill the heroes… wow, so original. First plant, then rock, now water? Let me guess, the next monsters are going to be fire and air.

Our heroes are… busy playing in the rain. They get sick and die Rhymey sings a stupid song about how much he loves the rain (which was blatantly ripped from Today’s Special). I sing a song about how much I want to tear his heart out, smash his city down and roast all the unicorns on a big fire.

And then I’m gonna get real mean.

We get a sequence were… nothing of note happens. Seriously, they go inside and Brain talks about his wonderful device that you can’t get wet. It detects that evil is happening and they go and find Mysterious and his water monster. Fight happens, they destroy it, next chapter.

Titan plans to hold Krysta hostage. Whatever.

We now get Lightning and Krysta’s backstory! Apparently he comes from an alternate dimension, and his parents were killed by an evil monster. He was roaming around when he found Krysta, and they’ve been together ever since. I’d be more sympathetic if it was a) well written, b) not cliché as all getout, and c) ACTUALLY IMPORTANT TO THE STORY AT HAND! WHY DO WE NEED TO LEARN HIS BACKSTORY NOW?! WHY DIDN’T WE LEARN IT EARLIER, WHEN WE WERE FIRST INTRODUCED TO THE CHARACTER, AND WHY HASN’T IT BEEN AFFECTING HIM THROUGHOUT THIS STORY?!

The others thought that was a very sad, yet sweet story,

Bullshit! If you want a sad, yet sweet, story, go read Guide Me Home. And why are you TELLING us what the characters feel instead of SHOWING it?!

Krysta is outside and… she sings a freakin’ Barney song.

… Mykan, if you are reading this, which I doubt, I need to ask you why. Why did you think that a song from Barney was a good idea to put into your story? This is supposed to be better than Friendship is Magic, and yet you constantly pick songs from shows that cater to the lowest possible demographic. You don’t even try to be original, you just steal from them wholesale. This story has gone from just stupid to stupid and childish.

Krysta gets captured and Lightning and Starla go after her to Big Brown Canyon… they run into Dementia, lazy fight scene where they get their asses kicked, and Titan demands Lightning give over his power in exchange for Krysta.

…

Nah, it’s not a good trade. Let the bug die.

But before Lightning can go through with it, they are saved by Dyno and Myte… Who are Dyno and Mite, you might ask? Racist caricatures of Hispanics who are blatant rip-offs of Mas and Menos of Teen Titans. They also serve as a nice Deus ex Machina, allowing Lightning and Starla time to regroup, blast Titan, and make their escape.

My hope of this story ending soon is slowly dwindling away.

Here’s a bit of today’s Aesop:

"Lightning really took a chance today to save Krysta, even though he was warned not to, and was fully aware himself of the possibilities of the consequences if Titan had taken more of his energy. Still, it can't be ignored why he did… he was trying to help a friend in need."

Didn’t you say awhile back that friendship was not needed? YOU HYPOCRITICAL DOUCHEBAG! You can’t even stick to your own damn convictions! Even Avatar Avani wasn’t so flighty!

Next chapter: boring shit happens. They’re all eating pancakes (I refuse to call them flapjacks. That would only encourage Mykan) when Abra Kadabra shows up. See, he’s fallen on hard times since Titan came back… you know, I would have loved to SEE this instead of you telling us what happened!

Now it’s Dementia’s turn to go capture Lightning. I really don't care, but then I’d have nothing to review. Lightning is whining about how it sucks not having magic (YOU HAVE A MAGICAL DILDO THAT KILLS BAD GUYS, AND YOU HAVE THE POWER OF DEUS EX MACHINA! YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY!). Dementia attacks them with a mirror monster… it’s made of mirrors. I would have liked something cooler, like a monster that can copy move sets, like AMAZO.

And I still wonder why you don’t just shoot Lightning and get this over with.

It turns out the monster’s weakness is that the mirrors are only on one side… THAT’S A TERRIBLE WEAKNESS! The beat the monster, everyone laughs, next scene.

When Titan had emerged from his secret project, though it still needed a little extra time to be fully ready, Mysterious had come to him with an idea, and extremely nasty idea to help gather more energy for Titan, as well as blow a hole through the unicorn's defenses.

“I’ll take this pistol and shoot Lightning in the head. BAM! We win.”

Actually his big plan is to inflict people with nightmares… HOW DOES THAT HELP YOU?!

We get ANOTHER FREAKING SONG “BORROWED” FROM A DIFFERENT TV SHOW! I’m really starting to get sick of these songs. All the heroes go to sleep and are murdered by Freddy Krueger beset by nightmares, most of which are a) not scary or b) stolen from other media (seriously, Krysta’s nightmare is lifted clean from Don Bluth’s Anastasia movie). Lightning’s nightmare is basically Twilight Sparkle’s; he screws up and the Grand Ruler banishes him. He wakes up and gets a letter from the Grand Ruler on how he’s out getting rid of all the bad dreams. Lightning gets the others together, they fight a fire monster, next chapter.

Next chapter we get some of Titan’s backstory. Turns out he was bullied and now plans to take revenge… by conquering the world. CRY ME A RIVER, AND THEN DROWN YOURSELF IN IT!

The heroes are busy working on a hot air balloon, which even Lightning points out is a dumb idea since they can all FLY! Rep-Stallion turns it into a monster, they fight, win, next chapter, although this time Titan actually bothers with punishing Rep-Stallion for failing.

Oh hey look, an author’s note:

Author's Response

I cannot answer anonymous reviews (You'll have to find some other way to talk to me)

But I am not a brony, a closet brony, and don't want to be either. Bronies are for FIM… not my MIB. I have my reasons for not wanting to watch FIM, and make this fic, but I can't explain it here.

Could’ve fooled me. And I do want to know why you decided to make this fic. I’m sure it’s explained elsewhere, but I would really like to know.

Now it’s a special day in Whyshouldigiveashitville; the Grand Ruler is coming for a visit, and everything must be made ready or they’ll be put to sleep. Inquerius is being a bitch and questioning/complaining about everything. The Grand Ruler shows up, and after Inquerius offers to help him with his bags (why, isn’t she the LIBRARIAN?!), the Grand Ruler… uses his magic to carry the bags himself.

…

…

The bottom line was: their magic was only to be used in times of dire emergencies, by order of the Grand Ruler. This was why in their daily lives they didn't use magic to help them in most of their tasks, and did things naturally.

THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE! YOU SAID MAGIC WAS ONLY USED IN DIRE CIRCUMSTANCES! YET HERE’S THE GRAND DOUCHEBAG USING MAGIC TO CARRY HIS BAGS! BREAKING HIS OWN LAWS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS PEOPLE!

GRAND RULER, YOU SUCK!!! MYKAN, YOU SUCK!!!

…

Moving on…

Inquerius has a stick rammed so far up her ass that she’s vomiting splinters. When the Grand Ruler wants to do some dancing, she complains and everyone laughs at her.

As the day turned to night and the arty went on, the Grand Ruler proved to be fun, and exciting. Especially when it came to games he enjoyed playing with the others, and what surprised everyone else, especially Inquerius, was The Grand Ruler's favorite gave was hopscotch.

While hopscotch is fun, it’s not really my favorite game. I personally prefer 40K or Axis & Allies, games of thought and strategy. I can’t really call hopscotch among my favorite games because it’s repetitive; you throw your little rock or what have you, hop around it, and then go back. There are no tactics to hopscotch, and what could be considered tactics is more reliant on luck of where your marker lands. I can get bored with hopscotch, but a good strategy game has endless possibilities that depend mostly upon the caliber of my opponent.

…

I got sidetracked.

When it’s the Grand Ruler’s turn, “Pop Goes the Weasel” starts playing…

…

…

They are playing hopscotch… while listening to “Pop Goes the Weasel”… “POP GOES THE WEASEL”!

I’ve asked this before, but does Mykan seriously think his work is BETTER than Friendship Is Magic? Did he seriously think that hopscotch and “Pop Goes the Weasel” was more mature, something that people would see as better than dealing with real life problems and, you know, ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! My Little Pony has had references and/or plots related to almost everything, from bullying and jealousy to racism and freaking REGICIDE! This… this thing has had NOTHING close to that! Instead of character development, we get half-assed fight scenes. Instead of comedy, we get the characters being shallow jackasses to one another. Instead of songs that are well thought out, somewhat relevant to the scene at hand, and used sparingly, we get songs that are used way too regularly and are lazy reposts from shows TARGETED AT FIVE YEAR OLDS!

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER THAN FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC?!

…

They eat, and then they sing another song. Whooptie-freakin’ do. THEN Titan decides to launch his attack. We get his backstory AND it’s just as dumb as I stated before. Then they fight, and it’s just as lazy and boring as the rest of them… You know what, I’m going to find some good fight scenes and watch those instead.

Okay, I feel better.

So lazy fight scene, and I bet you can guess how this ends. The only change up is that is appears Titan is winning, but then the Grand Ruler and Lightning combine their power to beat him.

"We can both do this…!" replied his mentor "JUST… BELIEVE…!"

Lightning shut his eyes, and concentrated. So much was at stake, he couldn't lose. "I believe…!" he cried "I believe…! I believe! I Believe! I Believe…"

"I… BE-LEIVE…!"

They vaporize Titan and the minions retreat. Everyone cheers while out in space Titan swears revenge.

Author's notes:

This fic isn't over yet… not by a longshot.

… Is now a good time to declare Exterminatus?

A few weeks later Lightning and Krysta are busy trying to find out just where she came from… and I don't care. They’ve interacted so infrequently that I’m surprised they even know each other still.

The Three Morons are moping when Titan appears through a couple of magic orbs… since when has he had the power to do that? Whatever.

Back with our heroes, they’re generally being useless when it turns out Orange-Range is on fire. This also happens to be Artie’s hometown.

I KNEW IT, HE REALLY IS AN ARSONIST!

Actually, it’s just an illusion by the Three Morons to draw the heroes into a fight… And why they didn’t just kill them when they had the chance continues to baffle me. They fight, and as always the Three Morons are overpowered by the heroes. Lightning decides to go see the Grand Ruler, who’s described as being so busy that they need to book an appointment weeks in advance.

…

YOU’RE HIS PERSONAL STUDENT! CAN’T YOU JUST GO AND TALK WITH HIM WHENEVER YOU WANT?!

They go see the Grand Ruler, who’s apparently not all that busy. He feeds them and tells them that there is a way that they can increase their powers to fight the Three Morons. When he first arrived and settled in Unicornicopia, he made several powerful artifacts called Dragonballs the Rainbow Stones, but instead of keeping them on his person he scattered them throughout the multiverse. He saved one, though, and uses it to empower the heroes.

While the Grand Ruler works to find out where the other Stones are, the Three Morons come up with a new plan… please tell me it involves killing people.

Our heroes are… being lazy. Lightning is fawning for Starla, since he is so in love with her.

Dude, Skye Dumbass and Zuko have more chemistry than you two. I think you should take that as a warning as to how SOL you are.

This entire chapter seems to be dedicated to them trying to build a relationship, no small task considering how little Starla’s been in this damn thing. Another plagiarized song later, and Titan’s Morons show up to crash the party. By now I know they’re going to be defeated by the end of the chapter, so I don’t even bother reading further.

Although:

"Ah…! My sword's dent,

It's badly bent!"

Must… not… make… ED joke.

They win, Rhymey and Krysta act like a couple of five-year-old girls (like everyone else), doing the whole “Lightning’s got a girlfriend” bit.

Lightning tells the others that the magic stone really did work. Instead of making a preemptive strike against the Three Morons and ending this once and for all, they decide to build a spaceship.

Actually, they want to go to the moon, so it’s more like Wallace and Gromit. They decide they can just fly up there with their wings, so there’s no need for a spaceship. Sorry Benny.

Meanwhile, Brain is busy developing some science stuff. He hopes it’ll increase a unicorn’s stamina, but what he ends up making is spray paint that turns things invisible… however, it washes off with water.

Mykan, you had one interesting idea in 15 chapters, and now you’ve just wrecked it!

Of course, the bad guys want to steal it, so Dementia attacks Brain when he’s alone and distracted. GOOD! Actual tactics, for once. Unfortunately, all the other dumbasses are there, and we get a lazy fight scene with a stupid monster MADE OF MAKEUP AND MASCARA WANDS!!! WHY CAN’T WE HAVE SOME COOL MONSTERS FOR ONCE?!

They get their asses kicked until Brain sprays them with the paint, turning everyone invisible. They of course defeat the monster and everyone lives happily ever after until the next Moron tries to defeat them.

Next week, Hive Fleet Leviathan comes and OM NOM NOMs everyone the Grand Ruler lets the other know that he found another Rainbow Stone. Artie and Buddy Rose are sent through and wind up in a ravaged landscape.

So, Warhammer 40K references aren’t too far off. This is basically a Crone World, which in 40k is where Craftworld Eldar go to harvest Soulstones and Slaaneshi daemons wait to harvest Eldar (they have a hard time of it considering the Eldar send down Wraithknights to collect the stones).

Artie and Buddy fly around and find no life. The get separated, but Artie finds the Stone and a little elf girl named Ilia.

So this is a Crone World. Break out the daemonettes, Slaanesh wants to party!

Ilia explains that her home was a peaceful and beautiful place until a monster attacked and destroyed everything… Aw, no Slaanesh party. Guess I’ll put away the Warp Dust. The monster attacks and reveals his name to be Serpent-Terror (who is totally not Serpentera from Power Rangers).

Why, was Evil Snake not available?

Lazy fight scene ensues, the three escape but Ilia falls off the path and is consumed by Slaanesh to be his/her personal slave/sex toy for eternity… actually the Grand Ruler sends her to a different dimension where she’ll be safe with the rest of her people.

WOW, WHAT A WAY TO INTRODUCE A POTENTIALLY INTERESTING CHARACTER AND THEN COMPLETELY DITCH HER!

Oh, and Bad-Lizard swears revenge, but I don’t care, the planet will get hit with Exterminatus soon enough.

As it turns out, Serpent-Whogivesashit was the same monster that killed Lightning’s Parents.

Lightning goes and gets a shot for his bad dreams. He’s also an asshole, but you knew that already, but we can’t have more of that because he needs to have forced liaisons with Starla! Krysta suggests that Lightning ask Starla to be his marefriend, but that’s interrupted when the Three Morons show up and challenge Lightning to a duel. Lightning accepts and he and his posse go to fight the bad guys.

They go to fight the bad guys and are pulled into an alternate dimension. They are then abducted by aliens that kind of look like Jamie Farr… wait, that’s Weird Al. They’ve been pulled into the Dimension of Darkness, where the Three Morons hail from and where Titan was imprisoned. They fight, and… LIGHTNING DIES! THANK GOD!!!

Actually, he’s just asleep.

DAMMIT!

The group hides from the bad guys (cowards, you can only win when Lightning and his Magic Dildo are still up and about). They actually hide in Titan’s castle, since they reason that the Morons won’t attack them there… Well, they are morons, so they might be on to something. Lightning wakes up, Dementia gets angry and makes like Wreck-it Ralph on the castle until Mysterious tells her not to…

Do they really revere their master so much that they think keeping his house intact is more important than killing the heroes?

The heroes reason that there’s something important in the castle, so they decide to go deeper. The Three Morons decide to wait outside… WHY HASN’T TITAN FIRED YOU?! There’s obviously something important in that castle, and you’re just going to let the heroes waltz in and take it?!

They walk down the tunnel and are freaked out by how creepy it is. Unless they’re playing a live action version of Space Hulk or Amnesia, they should buck up and keep moving. Oh, and whatever happened to Lightning’s little “Hold your breath and count to ten” bit? Why don’t they use that? WHY ARE YOU FORGETTING PLOT POINTS YOU ESTABLISHED TWELVE CHAPTERS AGO?

They make it through the traps and creepiness and follow a little ball of light, which leads them right back to the bad guys… rendering that entire last sequence COMPLETELY POINTLESS!

They fight, heroes get their asses kicked, Lightning fakes surrender so the minions blast each other (been done before), Deus Ex Machina, they go home, Aesop, end chapter.

For once can we have a little variety?

It’s a few days later, the Grand Ruler wakes up and… DAMMIT, ANOTHER SONG?!?! I’M GETTING TIRED OF THIS, MYKAN!!!

Song ends, and we finally get to the “Where are the other fairies” subplot from a ways back. They go back to the library but are stopped by another fairy, who declares Krysta the queen.

Anyway, the new fairy is named Mallow, and he offers to show Krysta her origins. Lightning asks to come along, but Mallow says it might be dangerous.

Don’t worry. One wave of his magic dildo and all the problems will go away.

Lightning is an asshole and forces his way into the trip. They go and we find out that fairy world was not made for big idiots like Lightning (shocker). The fairies all welcome Krysta and they have a big feast. We get Krysta’s backstory explained to us instead of FREAKIN’ SHOWN and it’s just as lazy as most of the other backstories we’ve gotten: an evil monster showed up and demanded treasure, and when she refused it kicked all the fairies’ asses and Krysta was forced to flee with the treasure.

Wow. You can see the excitement radiating from my words. Yay.

Krysta doesn’t remember any of this (neither can I), but the fairies say that they have ways of reviving such memories. Part of which requires Lightning’s hair.

"Ouch…!" he growled "This better we worth it."

Oh yeah, that’s right, friendship is a lie in your universe. Ignoring that, YOU. ARE. AN. ASSHOLE!!! You said you wanted to come along, and now you’re being resentful for BEING ASKED TO HELP THE PEOPLE YOU DECIDED TO VISIT!

And then he goes right back around and says Krysta is his friend. DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU THINK FRIENDSHIP IS A LIE, MYKAN, YOU WRITE THESE CHARACTERS AS FRIENDS!!! IF YOU COULD STOP DROWNING IN INCOMPETENCE AND HYPOCRISY FOR ONE MINUTE, I MIGHT ACTUALLY COME TO ENJOY THESE CHARACTERS!!!

Anyway, before Krysta wakes up the monster shows up… and what a coincidence, it’s Mean-Reptile… You know, the monster that killed Ilia’s whole planet? Turns out he also killed Lightning’s family as well.

Why am I not surprised?

Anyway, he’s after the Rainbow Stones. Why? Who cares, because Mykan certainly doesn’t! You know the drill for fight scenes now, so we’ll just skip to the part where Lightning blasts the bad guy with his magical dildo and the bad guy swears revenge.

He then takes the stone and ditches Krysta to be with her people. Douchebag.

Upon returning to Unicornicopia, Lightning found a letter from The Grand Ruler on his bed requesting he come immediately.

The Imperium of Man does not endorse such teacher/student relationships

As it turns out, Krysta actually gave up being with the rest of her kind, ruling as their queen, and generally living in peace and has returned to Unicronicopia, because the self-centered jackass that abandoned her and didn’t even want to help unless it served him somehow is more important than her loving and caring subjects.

Oh, and the Grand Ruler has located the final Stone. And it’s in a very special place! Guess where it is? Are you ready to hear where this super-special place is?

Equestria.

…

…

Let me repeat that. The Stone is in Equestria.

…

E-Quest-Ria.

…

Let’s go back to a few choice quotes from Mykan:

FIM is a BIG MISTAKE to me... its horrible… so I guess an alternate universe is in order!

I repeat, this is a whole new universe, so forget about FIM and anything you learned from that… that… PLACE!

See, I don't believe "Friendship is Magic" At all. I think it's a lie, and that is one reason I do not wish to get involved with much of FIM.

…

You know… Right now I feel sorry that I ever insulted Avatar Avani and her work. I almost feel sorry that I called Skye a dumbass, that I thought Tyler was a terrible name for a Water Tribesmen, and that she totally failed as an Avatar (almost). I’m sorry that I called Kalani an idiot, and got mad at ShayNiccals for butchering Asami and Korra’s characters. I’m sorry that I called Jupiter Williams a Mary Sue, that I felt she was an idiot for not telling people abut her abuse problems or her rushed relationship with Kaldur.

I am truly sorry about that, and I hope you can forgive me. Because while those writers did make mistakes, they at least were not Dakari-King Mykan.

Here is a man, a man who for eighteen chapters has professed his hatred for Friendship is Magic, and how his universe has nothing to do with the one created by Lauren Faust and Hasbro. Yet here it is, Equestria, right here in this fic. Mykan is not only a bad writer, he is also a hypocrite. I despise him more than all the other bad writers I’ve had to deal with, because when they said they were going to do something, they did it (the exception being Avatar Avani finishing Legend of Skye Dumbass) They didn’t just backtrack on their work, they didn’t contradict the message they were trying to get across; they were skilled enough that they were able to say what they wanted to say (which isn’t saying much).

Mykan… Mykan is too incompetent a writer to even do that. At the end of this review, I’ll give you a further rundown of my problems with this… jumble of words that just happens to be in the shape of what might be mistaken as a story. But for now, I’ll conclude this micro rant by saying:

THIS STORY JUST REACHED LOWS THAT I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW EXISTED FOR IT!!!

Author's notes:

I'm still very, very, upset with all this… but I must point out…

When thinking of a name for the Grand Ruler, I looked over hundreds of different names and chose the best one.

Also…I would appreciate if you NOT think of him a Sue/stu, because believe me, he isn't or he would

Too late for that, bub. Also, he would what? WHAT THE HELL WOULD HE DO?!

The Three Morons are moping about being failures when Nightmare Moon shows up to recruit them… Um, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Friendship is Magic Part 2, but I’m pretty sure Nightmare Moon is dead. Unless Luna got corrupted again… or this is the Equestria of Past Sins.

MYKAN, YOU COULDN’T EVEN STICK TO CANON EQUESTRIA, COULD YOU?!

Actually, it’s really Nightmare Moon, not Nyx (hooray for small mercies; Mykan hasn’t gotten his grubby fingers on the fanworks). She promises the Three Morons power if they’ll bow to her. They being morons, they accept.

Back with our heroes, Rhymey has been selected to go to Equestria. For some reason the Grand Ruler is playing a harp and being all depressed and such, and everyone sends Rhymey off with a cheery good luck.

Meanwhile I’m currently molding Rhymey’s head out of greenstuff so I can mount it on my Warboss’ trophy rack.

"Can yer believin' stop me power klaw, ya pointy 'eaded git?"

Once Rhymey is gone, the Grand Ruler admits he has not been upfront about a lot of things with Lightning and his friends. Obviously he’s going to explain why he limited the use of magic and is a collossal prick, right? Acutally he reveals that while he may be a Unicornicopian, he is also A SATANIST AN EQUESTRIAN!

 

…

No.
 And guess what his name was? MARTY STU CELESTO!

…

No.

It turns out that being born with three horns in this version of Equestria is bad, and the future Grand Ruler was picked on because of this.

No. No. No. No. NO!

I know ponies are skittish when it comes to things that are weird and unusual (makes sense; they are prey animals, after all), but they’re not dicks about it. Heck, the show dedicated and entire EPISODE to the Aesop that you should not judge someone based on their appearance, that it’s who they are as a person that truly defines them. But Mykan in his cynical little worldview thinks that those that are different are automatically going to be bullied for that difference, that bullying is enough to drive people to become tyrannical conquerors, and that it’s okay to be self-centered and bitchy to people you would normally consider friends. If I could compare Mykan to a mainstream writer, I’d say he’s the Frank Miller of fanfiction: a cynical asshole who thinks that “Look out for #1” is the norm, and such things as negotiation and human decency are silly notions that should be set aside for violence, selfishness, and cruelty. Heck, if I didn’t know better I would compare Mykan unfavorably to Miller, because at least Miller wrote some good stories before going nuts.

I’d end the review now, but I’ve come too far to just quit. Let’s get this over with.

It turns out that there was a light in the darkness for dear Grand Ruler “Celesto”; see, he had a crush on Celestia-

They grow closer despite Grand Ruler being picked on, and Celestia goes out of her way to make sure that this special pony is essentially her #2-

And then they sing a duet confessing their love for one another-

Why no, I’m not upset about this. What on Earth made you think that?

They agree to get married, but I’m halting the Exterminatus for now because Luna then fell and became Nightmare Moon. They fight, and “Celesto” manifests the Uniforce and saves the day-

…

…

…

…

…

…

(massages temples again)

…

…

…

You’ve done it now, Mykan. You have really done it. Congratulations. You have neutered one of the most powerful characters in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, ruined one of the most emotionally damaging events of Celestia’s life, destroyed your credibility as a serious writer (not that you had much to begin with), and have nearly driven me to the point where I am willing if not eager to lower my standards and get really angry at you, angry enough that I don’t think you’re worth screaming at anymore, all so you can throw your own Self-Insert in and he can save the day, so that he can get the power and glory that he has done nothing to deserve. I thought you couldn’t sink any lower, but you continue to amaze me. I honestly don’t know if this is worse than Frank Miller’s Batman worship, because he was at least sticking to canon characters… highly warped and OOC versions of canon characters, but my point still stands. This isn’t even My Immortal or Voices level of neutering, either; My Immortal was incoherent to the point of hilarity, and Voices still had one or two moments that Kalani didn’t completely butcher. But this… this… thing you call a character. This has surpassed that and has just kept going so far downhill I’m surprised it hasn’t formed its own gravity well.

This moment… this entire chapter… this is supposed to show the flaws of your character? This is supposed to show that he’s unique, that he’s special, and that he’s not a Mary Sue? You want to know what I think? I think the Grand Ruler is a Mary Sue. I think he’s the Mary Sue to end all Mary Sues. I’d name him King of the Sues if Edward Cullen didn’t already hold that title. He doesn’t suffer, he’s just inconvenienced on his path of achieving total power. He’s not a good leader, he’s a man child with a crown and access to one of the biggest Deus Ex Machinas in fanfiction. He’s not charismatic, he’s stupid and condescending. He’s not special, he’s every cliché and Mary Sue trope wrapped in one sparkly package.

And you… I’ll get to you later…

…

I’ve got seven more chapters to go.

So as it turns out, after the Grand Ruler rapes canon harder than Tyler (he’s still Canon Rape in my eyes) ever could, he passed out and was flung through time and space until he arrived at what would eventually become Unicornicopia. Once he’s done telling this, Lightning and Krysta muse on how Rhymey’s doing in Equestria.

He got eaten by a hydra Actually, we don’t find out what happens to Rhymey right away, because the Mane 6 are busy getting ready for the Grand Galloping Gala… yeah, must have watched more than a few episodes there, Mykan. And why is it the Gala, specifically? I know it’s an important event in canon (heck, it’s the Season 1 finale), but there are other times within the series that Rhymey (and to some extent, Mykan) could have chosen to show up.

Oh wait! Every female character in this story is incredibly shallow and stereotypical! So the Gala is a perfect time because they’ll be fretting over clothes and makeup… instead of talking about how they’re going to make their dreams come true and have a great time. Far be it for women in a Mykan story to have dreams or vision beyond falling in love with your Mary Sues.

Actually, it’s next years’ Gala, so… still not very original.

Whatever. Fluttershy is nervous and doesn’t want to go this year. The others ignore her or badger her to go, and get all these fantasies about dancing with colts and such… never mind that they had complex, unique reasons to want to go to the Gala last time. Fluttershy goes home and makes a wish upon a star, asking for courage, when who should appear but Rhymey?

…

They get shipped. Hard. And as Mykan’s wall of insecurity comes crashing down and we see that he is a very messed up Brony, I have to say that this is just as bad as him shipping “Celesto” with Celestia.

Wow, that sounded even dumber than I thought it would.

Anyway, Rhymey introduces himself and they hit it off (no surprise there). He asks her to take him to the ruler of Equestria.

I think we all know that’s what would happen if Rhymey was brought before the real Princess Celestia… While I don’t support Trollestia, I do know she’s got a bit of a mischevious streak, and Bugs is the patron saint of fictional tricksters, so… yeah, they’d be best buds.

I got off topic again.

So, Rhymey introduces himself and tells Flutters of his mission. She of course goes to get Twilight, not because Fluttershy is incompetent, but because Twilight is a very powerful unicorn who would have knowledge of magical artifacts and lore. She does that, right?... Right?

Actually, she invites him into her home. Okay, that isn’t too far out of character for Fluttershy, she is the Element of Kindness and all. As he enters the house his horn starts glowing, indicating that the Rainbow Stone is nearby.

He finds… half the stone sitting on Fluttershy’s mantle.

Wow, the all powerful artifacts that the Grand Ruler used to spread magic through the multiverse can be broken in half. Do all of the magical items in this universe suck?

Rhymey goes to bed and Fluttershy talk to Applejack. AJ doesn’t believe that Fluttershy is housing a winged unicorn from an alternate universe, despite the fact that Applejack is the BEARER OF THE ELEMENT OF HONESTY! SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS LYING OR NOT!

Oh, and Discord shows up and gets possessed by Titan. Way to wreck one of the best comedic villains since the Joker, Mykan.

Next day, it’s the night of the Gala. Rhymey tags along because it’s not like he’s got more important things to do, like find the Rainbow Stone… wait, he did say he wanted to see Celestia…

You wished to speak to me, xenos filth?

Anyway, before they head off Rhymey has some time to talk to Fluttershy and he tells her all the wonders of Unicornicopia. We don’t get to see anything (thank God, that means less rhymes) and Fluttershy asks that, before he leaves, could they share a dance, and Rhymey naturally accepts.

Aw. My heart just exploded… from the grenade I shoved down my throat.

Oh, and the rest of the Mane 6 are a bunch of condescending jerks, but you could have guessed that already.

A good time is had by all (except for me), the Mane 6 are jerks, Rhymey goes back to Unicornicopia, Fluttershy tells the others about what really happened, and then Nightmare Moon shows up with the Three Morons.

LAZY FIGHT SCENE TIME!

Nightmare Moon takes over Equestria, because it’s not like the Elements of Harmony could beat her twice. Bad Snake decides that now is a good time to make his move against the unicorns, and it turns out that he’s Titan’s father.

Why am I not surprised?

We get a really really long and boring exposition dumb about his backstory, and then they get ready to fight. Meanwhile Equestria has been overrun, but a fairy spy runs off to go inform Krysta.

Lightning blows the bad guys up with his magic dildo, but Bad Snake overpowers the rest of them until the Grand Ruler delivers another Deus Ex Machina and they blow Bad Snake up for good.

I weep because they’re still alive.

Krysta arrives and tells the heroes of Equestria’s fall, and how Nightmare Moon is now the supreme overlord of everything. Meanwhile, Nightmare Moon sends the Three Morons out to go do stuff, while Krysta is able to somehow spirit Celestia and Luna off to Unicornicopia.

The Princesses arrive in Unicornicopia, and the Grand Ruler decides to put saving the world on hold so they can party… And I’ll make plans to have you overthrown, ‘kay?

The Grand Ruler decides that he and the other Mary Sues will go to Equestria with Luna while Celestia stays back on Unicornicopia. The Grand Ruler and Celestia share “tender” moments before our heroes go off to die horribly… I hope.

They arrive in… Nightmarica? That’s the name of this new world under Nightmare Moon.

Well, in that case… (Replace any “Americas” you hear with “Nightmarica”. It’s a stupid name, but they’re my heroes for opposing the Grand Ruler and his Mary Sues)

Artie, Buddy Rose, Rhymey and Luna infiltrate Nightmare Moon’s empire, but are detected. Back in Mary Suetopia the rest are busy showing Celestia around when the Three Morons arrive to get yet another ass kicking. Only this time they clone themselves!

That’s not going to work. Not even Kaldor Draigo could touch these guys.

Oh, and Titan!Discord is preparing to attack as well. Yay.

Big lazy fight scene, the bad guys get beaten into the ground. Celestia and Grand Ruler merge into one supreme overbeing (that is much stupider than I made it sound), and blow all the remaining bad guys up once and for all. They then proceed to merge Equestria with Mary Suetopia and everyone lives happily ever after.

…

Why yes, I did rush that last bit just so I could get this over with. Believe me, you're better off for it.

I don’t even think this thing qualifies as a story. But for specific grievances, let’s list them.

1.      The Plot- God, and I thought Legend of Skye Dumbass was boring. Almost every single chapter other than the two where Rhymey is in Equestria, Lightning Dawn’s “interactions” with everyone, and maybe some of the two parters was the same thing: minion produces scheme, heroes are beaten back, Deus Ex Machina, villain swears revenge, Aesop. That’s it. I just summed up the entirety of My Little Unicorn to you. It’s so formulaic that I could predict everything down to what special powers the unicorns would use. Speaking of…

2.      The Action- Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my snoring. That’s how dull the action scenes in this thing were: they bored me to sleep. Like the plot, it’s strictly formulaic, with each unicorn just using their super-special power to fight. There’s no tactics, no coordination, no skill. And they always have to declare which attack they’re using before doing so, something that gets really old really fast and could have been easily subverted by one smart person with a shotgun.

3.      The Main Characters- There were characters in this story? All I got were a bunch of hollow frames. We never got to see any meaningful scenes or character development from the main characters, mainly because all we ever got to see were those “amazing” fight scenes. Look at Avatar: The Last Airbender for a moment: while it has amazing fight scenes, it also goes out of its way to develop the heroes and villains so they seem like actual people. One of my favorite episodes is “The Storm” because we get to learn that Zuko is a very damaged person who’s really an okay guy beneath his grumpy exterior, and that Aang is very broken up over his decision to run away and is majorly freaked out about being the one to bring balance to the world. I could feel interest and connection to the characters, because I got to see that they were just as human as anyone else. This, though? This has none of that; anything that can be considered a touching or developing scene is dropped in favor of fighting, to the point that I don’t care about who lives and who dies because I can’t tell who I should support and who I shouldn’t

4.      The Villains- These are some of the most stupid (in design and action) and cartoonish villains I have ever seen (made worse by the fact that they’re mostly rip off of Power Rangers villains). They have no motives beyond “We’re evil!” and the half-hearted effort to make Titan sympathetic is, like most things in this fic, glossed over for fight scenes and “Ooh, we’re so evil!” moments. They are totally unimaginative, repeating the same scheme to defeat the unicorns over and over again. Even their motives are messed up; first they want to conquer the world, then capture Lightning, then kill him, then just cause trouble. And then the canon villains like Nightmare Moon and Discord have all likeability and depth ripped out of them and replaced with an “Oh, we’re evil!” outlook.

5.      The Message- Ooh boy, this is where my dislike for Mykan really starts coming out. First off his his “Believing” outlook. Never is it established just what the heroes are supposed to believe in, just that they do. Think about that for awhile, and you begin to see some disturbing things happening, where the masses are suckered into this poorly explained idea and follow it wholeheartedly so that the Grand Ruler can do what he likes (read 1984 for a great example of what I’m talking about). Then there’s Mykan’s stance that friendship is a lie and that you can do whatever you want more or less on your own. But Mykan goes right back around on that and has Lightning’s friends bail him out whenever the going gets tough, and only with teamwork and friendship can the heroes save the day (which is still not saying much). And finally, there’s the violence. For someone who wanted to make an alternate to My Little Pony, Mykan seems to revel in violent outcomes; unlike Friendship is Magic, none of the villains get a chance to redeem themselves, and most are just killed off for real at the end. Is this really the message you want to get across, Mykan? That violence is the answer to all problems, that everyone should be a self centered jackass and care only about circumstances directly affecting them, and that people who are evil are irredeemable? I don’t think that’s a good message. I wouldn’t show this to my second cousin once she’s old enough to understand writing. I wouldn’t show this to any child at all.

6.      The Songs- They suck. Need I say more?

7.      The Racism and the Sexism- Yeah, it’s there. Only the guys are ever able to do anything effective, while the girls all hopelessly fawn over the guys and get captured by the bad guys. And not only is everyone segregated according to the color of their coats, the winged unicorns are seen as infinitely superior and more developed than the normal Unicorns, Earth Ponies and Pegasi. Add that to Mykan’s message about violence and “Friendship bad!”, and you have a society that ranks right up there with Nazi Germany and, from a fictional standpoint, Apokolips. These are outdated and frankly scary views that I’m surprised anyone would still think is to be encouraged in children. Friendship is Magic did an entire episode dedicated to showing that while a girl might be ladylike, that doesn’t make her ineffective or incapable of defending herself, and throughout shows like Avatar, Young Justice and the DCAU (to name a few) the female characters are more than capable of taking care of themselves (heck, watch Justice League again and watch the group fight scenes; Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl are always kicking more ass than Superman, Flash, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and even Batman). We’ve moved into a new age of media, and yet Mykan seems stuck back in the Fifties.

Bottom line, what I am trying to say is this: Mykan, you had an idea (a bad idea), and you failed. You failed to do anything you said you were starting out to do. You said you were going to make your own universe, but you brought in Friendship Is Magic characters despite your outspoken hatred for the series. You said you were going to make the story something that kids would still enjoy, and enjoy more than Friendship is Magic, and you created a stale, childish, poorly written, disproportionately violent, racist, sexist, mean-spirited piece of drivel that I believe should be saved to one hard drive in the world, deleted from the Internet forever, then that hard drive is encased in lead and sunk to the bottom of the Marianas Trench until the world ends, and even that wouldn’t do enough to remove its stain from the universe. You said you were going to spread the message of belief, in what we don’t know, and that everyone should just give up on friendship, but all you have done is made yourself look like a hypocritical crybaby who can barely fend for himself.

What is my final say on this thing? Dakari-King Mykan needs help. Not just help with his writing ability, he needs real help. I almost feel bad for writing this because how pathetic he is. This is a man who claimed that he was driven almost to suicide because Beast Boy and Terra didn’t hook up in the Teen Titans finale. He needs a doctor, a therapist, someone to help him overcome his crippling belief that friendship is bad and help him reintegrate into society. Maybe, just maybe, he could come out of this as a healthy, maybe even likeable, person.

Until that time (and I believe it will be a long time coming), Mykan is still out there producing drivel like this, and still set in the mindset that the world is out to get him and that he can't or won't trust anyone. It’s like that one joke about the man who was drowning, turning down help from passing ships in the belief that God will save him only to find out that God had sent those ships to save him, only it’s not funny.

At all.

Mykan is the Drowning Man. We are God and the passing ships.