... What. Starkit's Prophecy

Hello and welcome back to Fanfic Masochism.

Over the last year or so I’ve come to enjoy the company of cats. I can thank my girlfriend and her cats Hugo and Emmet for that (Hugo is the one from the “I know that sounds like a cat poster” image I’ve posted a few times. He’s bigger now), and I like that cats are by and large calm animals that don’t get too overhyped when it comes to affection.

Where am I going with this? I’ve never actually read the Warrior Cats series.

…

Were you expecting something else?

I never read the series because, at the time when I was actually in the target demographic, I was more interested in nonfictional history books (and eventually military science fiction). I’d probably enjoy the series if I had the time to sit down and read it, but alas, I do not have the time.

However, I do have access to the internet, and I am a fanfiction critic, so that does give me some credibility to review a piece of crap like StarKit’s Prophecy by xdark.rosesx. To give you some perspective of what it’s like, imagine My Immortal… but with cats. Magic Christian cats who are closet lesbians.

Yeah, it’s that kind of fic. Spoilers ahead.

Our story opens with a really huge cast list that I won’t repost here. The fic proper begins with a bunch of cats standing around a magic pool. One of the cats makes a prophecy about stars coming and getting rid of the evil tiger and holly, which I guess refers to Hollyleaf and Tigerstar (I know this because research).

Wow, nice way to give away the plot right there. That’s even more blatant than the prophesies in My Immortal and Legend of Dumbass.

"Its about StarKit!" A white tom said. "Shes going to save the forest," He looked at a gold tom by BlueStar. "she has powers nobody dreamed of." Said the gold tom

Ooh boy, this again. Poor Grammar. At least Mykan was somewhat consistent in his grammar. This, though?

BlueStar (Maybe? The narration isn’t clear who does the following action) goes off to tell JayFeather about the prophecy. End of chapter.

…

Yeah, that was probably one of the shortest chapters I’ve ever read in any fanfiction. Four paragraphs, most of which are only one sentence long.

Joy.

The next chapter opens with our heroine StarKit wocking up and sunlit is in the brances… Yes, that’s more or less how it’s written:

StarKit wock up and sunlit was in the branches. She closed her eyes againstill tired. Butter mom wouldn't let her sleep not today.

Butter mom wakes up StarKit because it’s the day of her apprenticeship ceremony. As StarKit runs out to get ready, her mom warns her to be wary because the cats might not be very appreciative of what she is (a medicine cat for a father and a Bloodclan for a mother).
…

Okay, I get that cats are snobs, but are they also racists? I know from my research that there is some inter-clan rivalries and prejudices, but is it to this level?

Whatever. StarKit is chosen by Firestar to be his apprentice (which, since he’s the clan leader, is like being chosen to be the king’s the God Emperor’s personal student (because Clan Leaders have nine lives)) because she’s “strong and brave cat”. Would have loved to have actually SEEN some of this, but eh. I’ll let it slide for now. After this, and getting some words of encouragement from Firestar

"Daughetr where very happy but he have to say something said Jayfeather his chest puffed ouit. "You see there is this prophcy Starcaln gave me it said that out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly."

StarPaw gasped. What does it mean?

What kind of person calls their daughter “Daughter”? Am I missing some cultural norm from the series? I mean, even Grand Shmuck Ozai called Azula and Zuko by their names, why doesn’t Jayfeather? Oh, and blatant prophecy is still blatant, and StarKit is now StarPaw… then why is the story called STARKITS PROPHECY if she’s not even StarKit anymore?! Why isn’t it StarPaw’s Prophecy?!

lol I update fast dont i. REVEIW or ill hit over the head with a frying pan! XDD jk

I’m reviewing this thing. Can I still take the frying pan option?

Also, I have a slight aversion towards people who get their stuff out too quickly (hypocricy at its finest concerning this blog). This is because it tends to be rushed and not of a very high quality, whereas something that takes a bit of time to work on is more likely to be of a better quality. Case in point, this chapter could have been expanded quite a bit so we could have seen more of this world. What is StarKit/Paw’s relationship with her parents? What exactly entails the racism of the other cats? What did she do to attract the attention of the Clan Leader?

Nope, we won’t see any of that… yet.

Chapter 3 opens with this author’s note:

thx jazzie-kun 4 th good review! and stop flmaing the stroy!1 i bet u cant right such a good story!1!1

Not to toot my own horn, but I have written better stories.

StarPaw goes to the apprentice den, where she meets up with her sisters FlamePaw and LakePaw.

Would have loved to known about them EARLIER, WHEN YOU INTRODUCED THE FAMILY!

And we are also introduced to JazzPaw.

-JazzPaw, who is a blatant insert of the author’s best friend (essentially the Willow/Raven of this story). They decide to go on patrol when suddenly BLACKSTAR! StarPaw hits him and he runs off.

…

WHY AM I CONSTANTLY PLAGUED BY BAD FIGHT SCENES?!

After this… “Thrilling” fight, Firestar decides that now’s a good time to train her. StarPaw complains, citing that she already defeated the bad guys and thus knows how to fight...

That’s incredibly flawed logic. You scratched one cat and made him run away, so how does that mean you’re the ultimate badass? Learing how to fight effectively, whether using fists, weapons, or special powers requires time and dedication, so that you get used to the motions and can avoid screwing up in such a fashion that will kill you. Anyone can swing a sword, but it takes training to make sure that it kills someone other than yourself.

Oh, and the stupidity keeps rising; once they actually start training, StarPaw complains that dodging is too easy and demands that she be taught how to attack. Again, anyone can swing a sword, but if you just swing the sword around without being trained to block an opponents attacks you’re going to die. If someone can deflect your own attacks, they can do so in a way that leaves you dangerously exposed and then kill you before you can respond.

So they spar and Firestar is surprised that StarPaw is actually able to land hits on him, saying that no other cat has ever been able to do that.

Ooh boy; badass character is somehow overwhelmed by newbie main character in their first ever match up? Yeah, that’s a Mary Sue trait. It gets worse because the only time StarPaw loses is when she intentionally throws the sparring matches.

Let me remind you, she’s being trained by a CLAN LEADER, and she only lets him win two times out of ten… please tell me that I’m not the only one who sees a problem with that.

Later they go hunting, and despite StarPaw apparently “screwing up” a few times the two cats manage to bring back enough food for the whole clan… I guess that’s an impressive feat. Later that night she’s talking with JazzPaw-

-And they talk about how someday they’ll be the clan leaders, and StarPaw goes to sleep with her past lives the voices of StarClan members whispering in her ear.

Oh, and we see what will become a recurring theme in the first part of this story: xdark.rosesx is very vocal about her anti-lesbian views:

"Ya." Said StarPaw smiling she loved JazzPaw NOT IN THAT WAY U SICKOS!) they were best friends.

Let’s just skip the debate and agree that screaming about your beliefs, whatever they may be, is a great way to alienate your fanbase.

Next chapter opens with an angry authors note saying that anyone who flamed the story is a Stanist and they don’t like Jesus… what that has to do with a society of cats is beyond me. StarPaw is woked up because it’s time for her parole hearing…

"StarPaw wok up its tim 4 parole."

I really can’t make any of this up.

Also, apparently, StarPaw has rainbow-colored eyes… AT LEAST EGOMY HAD EYES THAT ARE A NATURAL SHADE!

After being stir fried for inmates, StarPaw looks and sees that it is Graystripe. Who is Graystripe, you might ask?... Damned if I know; I’m sure he was mentioned in the character sheets. Anyway, Graystripe confesses that he’s in love with StarPaw and wants her to be his mat… not “mate”, mat. She says she’d love to, but Firestar already asked her.

Yeah, that happened last chapter, I think. It was so underdeveloped that I didn’t notice it.

After hearing that Firestar already staked a claim on StarPaw, Graystripe says that Firestar’s an idiot and… we get the same sequence. Again. Word for word. Wok, “reinbow eyes”, and all. Although it does continue on with StarPaw asking why Graystripe thinks so, and he says because Firestar is mean.

"OMIGOSH U MEAN LIKE SCOURG?" STARPAW SHOCKED.
"No ur much prtter then sourg" said Graystripe he licked her on the head I want u to be my mat." he yeleled.

Wait a second, I thougt we were talking about Firestar, not StarPaw. What does StarPaw being prettier than Scourge have to do with Firestar being a mean cat? And why is Graystripe yelling that he wants StarPaw to be his mat? EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, PLEASE!!!

Anyway, StarPaw is worried about what Firestar will say if he finds out she’s with Graystripe. When Graystripe says he probably wouldn’t care, StarPaw immediately accepts. This turns out to be a bad thing as Firestr walks in RIGHT THEN and asks what’s going on. Graystripe explains everything and the two start fighting.

IF A GUY ASKS IF YOU ASKED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DUMP HIM, YOU SHOULD SAY NO! ESPECIALLY IF THE GUY IS THE EQUIVALENT OF A KING!

StarPaw tries to break them up, suggesting that they can have wild cat threesomes instead (excuse me for a moment as I soak my brain in bleach for a few hours). Firestar shoots down that idea, saying:

Fitting image. Now just add the Mary Sue

-and the two male cats insist that StarPaw choose between them. She can’t decide since they’re both so perfect and wonderful, so she runs off into the woods to cool off for a moment. She keeps running until she stumbles across Blackstar (remember? That cat she beat back in chapter 2?). Except now he’s nice… nicer, anyway, and says that StarPaw should be his mate.

Wat.

'WHAT' YOWLED sTarpaw jumping away BlackkStarTried to nugle her. "WHAT ARE O TRIG TO DO MOLE STRAEP ME?1?"

Because trigonometry has functions that cover mole straps!

Blackstar goes on to say that StarPaw is the perfect mate for him because she “betted” him in combat. Why he’s happy someone tried to gamble away his life is beyond me, but StarPaw can’t take the pressure and runs off, asking StarClan for help in deciding which tom she should choose and how that decision is so hard.

I really don’t see what’s so hard. Blackstar’s evil (sort of), and Graystripe’s an interloping jerk who doesn’t understand relationships. Choose Firestar.

As StarPaw wanders the forest, brooding over her difficult decision, she runs into Jayfeather, who sits her down and talks about his own romantic difficulties (mainly, that he was stuck in a love triangle with Dawnsparke and a stick… long story). He tells her to follow her heart, and she runs off happily declaring that she’ll choose Firestar.

…

HOW DID I PREDICT THAT?! I MUST HAVE PSYCHIC POWERS!

…

Either that or basic common sense. Take your pick.

StarOaw (typo in the story) goes to Firestar and says she wants to tell him something. Firestar tells her that it can wait because she needs to be made a Warrior, despite having only trained for π days… Okay, I’m getting the impression that this is a trollfic, because there’s no way someone could have chosen 3.14 at random. But whatever, Firestar says that StarOaw needs to be a Warrior now because the other Clans have gone into a full on war with one another.

… Because rushing your recruits out to the front lines is the best thing to do!

So, SarkPaw is made a Warrior, and before she can tell Firestar she loves him Holyleaf and her cats attack.

While everyone else runs away, StarGlema (I think the author meant StarGleam… who’s that?) stands to fight Holyleaf and Tiggerstar. After Tiggerstar kills Jayfeather, StarGlema kills him and Holyleaf kidnaps Firestar, forcing StarGlema to give chase.

Our Clan Leader, ladies and gentlemen.

a cilf hunger1!111! see im a god riter i no what thta id thx f4r the good revweiws JzzPaw && everon else WHOSE NIT A FALMER

Just because you know what a cliffhanger is (what the heck is a cilf hunger?) does not make you a good writer. Well-rounded characters, reasonable pacing, flowing dialogue, and proper grammar make a good writer.

StarGleam leads the cats after HolyLeaf, catching up with her as she’s about to kill some cat names Flamepaw. LakePaw, StarGleam’s sister, jumps in front of HolyLeaf and takes the blow, dying as a result. I would have loved this more if we’d known MORE ABOUT THIS CHARACTER! SERIOUSLY, SHE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A LINE OF DIALOGUE AND THE AUTHOR EXPECT ME TO CARE ABOUT HER DEATH?! HolyLeaf takes time to gloat.

"hahaha" laughed HollyLeaf evil. "u just dunt gedot d o you Im one of teh Tree! I have pows beyound ur emaginating!" nd then…. She turned in…. A BARE!

That’s… just… STUPID!!!

After the declaration that HolyLeaf is a shapshitter-

FirePaw says he needs to take LakePaw back to the camp so he can bury her. He then asks for directions, since he’s never been outside the camp before.

…

Our Clan Leader, Ladies and Gentlemen.

The cats attack bare!HolyLeaf and beat her off when suddenly… LAKEPAW IS BACK!

…

But… But she died. She died two paragraphs ago. She can’t just come back like that. How did this happen? WHY IS SHE ALIVE?!

Oh, Ollyleaf resurrected her. So she’s a zombie now. She attacks StarGleam but is stopped when Redpaw takes the attack and dies… Noticing a pattern here? They… actually, I have no idea what happens. The chapter becomes a barely legible mess that makes My Immortal look like Tolkien. I think what happens is that after RedPaw dies, StarGleam denies her lesbianism and kills not-Lakpaw, who’s dragged off to hell by Satinclan (which DIDN’T EXIST IN THE BOOKS!). Then Tiggerstar shows up.

"Fuhrstar! yellded a TiggerStraw. "You ar gong to did now!" And he held out... SOME JEW!

OH NO! NOT SOME JEW! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

…

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS STORY?!

Actually, I think it was supposed to be yew, but the heroes are confident it won’t wwork because there’s a lizard on it… Actually, it’s a newt (which is an amphibian, not a reptile)… which immediately runs away. Making that scene COMPLETELY POINTLESS! He demands that StarGleam eat it, but she says she won’t.

TigerStar runs off, but because he’s so fat (?) Starkit can’t catch him (we’re back to calling her Starkit now? CONSISTENCY!).

"y am I so ulsess?/?/' she dsked. "why couldnt i kill her?"

Because you are a barely trained, poorly written character, that’s why.

Jayfeather says that TiggerStar is in the Dakr Forest… WAIT! DIDN’T JAYFEATHER DIE?

StarGleam goes to sleep and they end up in the Fark Forest… odviously sleep teleportation does not work as it does in Bring Me All Your Elderly, or they would have gotten where they needed to go. The heroes wander around and find Tiggerstar and HolyLeaf discussing their plans to invade ThunderClan. The heroes attack and StarGleam is badly injured.

StarGleam fell to the ground blood was cuming from a wand on her sholder. It was a lot of red blod. HawekFrost Looked at her. She was so buetiful so kawai, he was thought just like FirStar. He loved her. He had to save her.

…

WE’RE BRINGING IN ANOTHER CAT WHO LOVES STARGLEAM?! IS THERE A TOM IN THE ENTIRE FOREST WHO DOES NOT LOVE STARGLEAM?

Logic: Tiggerstar?

SHUT UP!

HawekFrost attacks TiggerStar in an attempt to save StarGlema, but to no avail:

AND THEN STARGLEAM WAS DIED!11!111!11111!1!11!

Well, so much for her.

This story sucks. The characters are bland, the plot-

Wait, what do you mean “there’s more”? StarGleam’s dead; there’s no way the story can continue.

…

But yet it does… you can just feel the joy radiating from me.

StarGleam wakes up in StarClan, the cats’ version of heaven. While there she meets Yellowfang and Bluestar, who say that StarGleam’s work isn’t done and she must be sent back to Thunderclan. Once there, she must spread the word of the Ten Commandments and make all the cats convert or they’ll be eternally damned.

…

Um… am I the only one who’s confused as to how cats came to an understanding about human religions?

StarGleam accepts her new mission and heads back to Thunderclan. She sets up the Ten Commandments and tells the cats that they should all follow them, OR ELSE! The Commandments are as follows:

"1. thou shat not belive in other goIncesters

2. Dont make any picturs of anyhing and warhip them. If ou do ai will punsch you an ur grankits.

4. don't say Starcclan in vane.

5. Work for 6 days and worshipe me on 1.

6. Repsect our mom and dad.

7. Dont kill otters unless in batl.e

8. don't br unfateful to our mat.

9/ Dotn steel things from he other cland.

10. Dnt lie aboot yiour nieborgh.

10. Don't be jelos og your neiborgh.

11. No BENG GAY!f

Writers can’t do math. Not only are there ELEVEN commandments written here (there’s actually something like 460, but the first Ten are the most famous), but it skips 3 and repeats 10 TWICE.

Surprisingly enough, the author does manage to get some aspects of the ten right… That’s not saying much. Some religious errors present here are:

1.      Dont make any picturs of anyhing and warhip them. If ou do ai will punsch you an ur grankits.- The Second Commandment actually says this of idols, crafted in the image of anything in heaven or on earth. While pictures can be considered idols, the definition presented here excudes such things as statues or castings (like the golden calf).

2.      Work for 6 days and worshipe me on 1.- Why be restricted to one day a week to worship God? The Bible says that you should remember the Sabbath and only work six out of seven days of the week (taking the last one to rest, as God did when He created the Earth). Throughout the Bible it’s encourage to worship God as often as you can, and even work can be a form of worship if you do it for his glory and not yours.

3.      Dont kill otters unless in batl.e- Actually “Don’t Commit Murder”, and the Bible has arrangements for dealing with murderers (it’d take too long to explain). Although I do admire xdark.rosesx’s desire to protect the otters.

4.      Dotn steel things from he other cland.- Why not just write it as it is in the Bible; “You shall not steal”. That includes everyone, not just those from other towns or nations as highlighted here.

5.      No BENG GAY!f- While homosexual relations are looked down upon in the Bible, the actual “Eleventh Commandment” deals with slave ownership. Also, just tacking on another commandment is a big no-no in most sects.

Xdark.rosesx, your attempt at making this a religiously charged story has fallen flat, probably even flatter than Saint Abraham’s… nah, not even that.

So, the cats start fessing up until StarGleam sees RedPaw and LakePaw having a lesbian makeout session (ignoring the fact that LakePaw is DEAD! AND A ZOMBIE! Wait… NECROPHILIAC LESBIAN CATS?! THAT’S DISGUSTING!). She manages to talk them out of it and then suggests that they present the Commandments to the rest of the clans. Everyone is so impressed by this that Firestar abdicates his position so StarGleam can be the new Clan Leader.

…

Oh yes, let’s put this cat in charge. This cat, who has been a Warrior less than a DAY, and has had no real experience with leadership or rescource management. Let’s just put her in charge of everything and see how well that turns out. Oh wait, it’s going to go great because STARGLEAM IS A MARY SUE!

But this is interrupted when Blackpaw shows up and says StarGleam can’t become the leader because then she can’t have kits. This is all settled rather quickly, and StarGleam makes LoinBalze-

LoinBalze?! Of all the misspellings I’ve encountered, this has to be the most ridiculous of them all.

So, really confusing scene (really, I’m mostly just guessing as to what happens in this thing due to how poorly everything’s spelled) and StarGleam is now Gleamstar (as if she needs more names). Things are cut short when Gleamstar gets a vision of Tiggerstar and HolyLeaf doing evil until Hackfrost (who’s that?) makes all the bad stuff go away.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11!1!1!11!" yelled StarGleamStar walking up. She juts culdnt be in loe with HawkForest she just could!11!1!11!

StarGleamStar is Gleamstar’s pet cow. Apparently, she’s in love with this Hawkforest.

Gleamstar is woken up and just waves it off as bad dreams. She returns to the camp and has her cats go on patrol while Firestar declares his intentions to go wandering for a bit. StarGamet is sad because she loves Firestar and doesn’t want to leave.

I’m sad that I’m only halfway through this thing instead of all the way through.

The bad guys attack and Lionbraze (I guess who LoinBalze *snicker* is supposed to be) is killed, not before he says that dying like this makes him gay with happiness. StG;eamStar is worried that her entire clan is going homosexual, when she should be worrying about the ATTACKING BAD GUYS! SKYE DUMBASS IS MORE FOCUSED THAN YOU!!!

The bad guys depart and Stargleam sleeps with Hawkfrost (in a strictly platonic sense of the word). The next day she asks Hawkfrost (who’s now a guy) if they should get married (marred, according to the text). He thinks this is a great idea and they’re about to go through with it when Flamestar shows up, because apprarently he’s in charge of ShadowClan due to Bullstar’s untimely suicide.

And… I’m supposed to care? I would have if these characters had been developed beyond WANTING TO BANG STARGLEAM!!!

Stupid falmes! ur all satinsit1s! StarKesus is ur saver y cant u just eccept that. Also im not a torll!1 ppl tell me Im ver petty!

Yes, you are very petty, and also a blasphemer if you think you little StarGleam Sue is the equivalent of Jesus.

Apparently, God isn’t supportive of this relationship, so Stargleam is struck by lightning and killed. She wakes up in… Actually, I have no idea what happens next. The whole thing is so badly written that it’s almost illegible. It’s worse than My Immortal in that regard.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON IN THIS FIC! When she’s in StarClan, she get reincarnated and tells Hawkforest that they’ll get married and then FellenLeaf shows up and says that not everyone believes in Starclan… I think. I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M READING!!!

IT GETS EVEN MORE CONFUSING! Stargleam is reborn as HolyLeaf and Tiggerstar’s kit, and yet still remembers everything from her past life. And then there’s some kind of war between StarClan and the Dark Forest, and-

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT’S GOING ON?!

(Review has been stopped to prevent brain damage)

God, those things are adorable.

Anyway, Tiggerstar and HolyLeaf are killed, so StarKit’s orphaned. RedPaw and Lakepool decide to adopt her, and StarKit’s biggest complaint is that they’re lesbians. She runs away and runs into JazzPaw-

Who’s now JazzStar after StarGleam’s death.

"who is StarGlaem" asked StarGleam

CAN I GET SOMETHING WITH ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE?!

Six moons later StarKit is rechristened StarPaw. Her mentor? Hawkfrost! She’s rather broken up about this, despite wanting to MARRY THE GUY A FEW CHAPTERS AGO!!! She does seem to get over this rather quickly, and later that day she talks with Ashfur and they decide to become mates. Things go south when Firestar finds out and then… starts making out with Ashfur, to StarPaw’s horror?

Really, if you were to map out the relationships between the characters, you’d probably end up summoning an Eldritch Abomination.

StarGleam runs home, but decides she can’t stay home because LESBIANS! So she runs back and finds the gay cats still making out.

"YOU! CANT! BE! GAY!" she told them (a/n I NEEDED EXTRA EMPHAS BECUSE I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO RITE IT!)

Translation: I’m a shitty writer and I can’t do emotions.

They get into an argument and StarKit ends up banishing Hawkforest and Ashfur… because newly appointed apprentices have the power to banish other cats.

Oh, and the author is still convinced this is a good story.

stpo flameing! whats rworng wth i dont you knowe a good stoary when uk see one?

I do know a good story when I see one (Guide Me Home, Hammerhand, The Man With No Name), and this isn’t one.

She runs into the forest and meets up with Flamepelt, who decides to go evil and join Satinclan with the other cats. Stargleam is all confused until she gets her memories back and… hoo boy, we’re in for a doozy of an author’s note:

okay guy I know its een a wile sinse my last chapta, but no I have somethin to say on th subgect! a few weks ago, jazzy intoduce me to something calld SLASH. At firt I didnt liek it so much but then since I new it exited and since i puberty I finaly admtted to myslef that I was...A LESBIAN!1!1!1111 I men i didnt want to admit it first but ten i realizd that its not god to hide my felings. I men I now i usd to be a homophone but evn thoh im not hapy about having to kno this i know its for the bet. I was awy for soooo log becuase i had to realse tat and aslo i was potsging on the OFICAL FORM. but everone their is a stanist!1!1111!1! so i letf. and btw i cnat bleive those stupid at dleteed my sotyr!111! :((((( there so mean i mean wat did i do to derseve this? But anywa here is the chapte.

Because shipping gay people automatically makes you a lesbian! And you’re wondering why no one likes your story? Could it be because YOUR STORY IS SUCH A MESS THAT I ALMOST FRIED MY BRAIN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT?!

StarGleam runs back to camp to 1) declare her love for Jazzpaw-

And that she is really StarStar…

…

Can’t even get her own fricken’ name right.

No one believes her, and then HolyLeaf comes back from the dead to kill cats and… StarGleam is pregnant?

…

But… she never ONCE had sex with anything! HOW THE HELL CAN SHE BE PREGNANT?!?!?!

WHY DOES NOTHING IN THIS STORY MAKE SENSE?!

And to make matters worse, apparently she’s pregnant by JAZZPAW!!!

SO NOT ONLY DO WE HAVE NECROPHILIAC LESBIAN CATS, WE ALSO HAVE LOLICON LESBIAN CATS WHO CAN GET OTHER LESBIAN CATS PREGNANT!!! THAT’S…  THAT’S JUST…

I HATE THIS STORY!!!!!!

…

…

…

I’ve still got sixteen chapters to go.

StarGleam runs out into the woods and mopes about how much her life sucks. Then HolyLeaf and ShadowClan attacks, and StarGleam calls in Starclan to help her. Things get worse when she goes into labor-

I’M DOING THE MATH, AND I’M PRETTY SURE CATS CAN’T COME TO TERM IN TWO HOURS!

She has three kits and decides to name them DaFlufyKit, FireKit and TigerKit. Tiggerstar doesn’t like that good cats are named after him and attacks, but the kits… jump him and manage to fight him off?! As far as I know, newborns cannot take down fully grown adults, no matter how many of them you have.

Then Ashfur comes to kidnap FireKit. FlufyKit (who can now speak despite being only a FEW MINUTES OLD) tries to fight back but fails. The cats don’t pursue because they know that FireKit will come back someday.

We then get… a Christmas episode? Why do we need a Christmas episode in a story about cats? Oh, and it goes even further with the whole “StarGleam is Cat Jesus” thing, down to her being born on Christmas and getting a rendition of “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing”! IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY YOU CAN MAKE HER STATUS AS A SUE MORE BLATANT?!

The cats do pursue, but it’s too late because TigerKit is now evil. StarGleam decides to go evil as well and… This story has already given me a major headache. We get a big, poorly executed and outright confusing fight scene and-

"ACCEPT JESUS MOTHERFUCKERS!" StarGleam screeched.

-That declaration is enough to turn all the bad cats good. But it’s too much for StarGleam and she dies… for reall this time… yup, she’s dead.

Actually, she ascends to a higher plane of existence and become the Cat God, but still, THIS STORY IS OVER!

This… guh.

I honestly had no idea what the heck was going on with this thing. The plot makes no sense, the grammar is atrocious, and… I’m still not sure what it was that I just read? It’s just… WHAT?!

I hope to God that this is a troll fic, because there is no way anyone could have written something this bad and be dead serious about it. I mean, it’s just…

I’ve got to move on to something else before the concentrated stupidity kills me.