Romance in Slashers? Nothing like a Serial Killer

Hello, and welcome back to Fanfic Masochism.

 

It’s a popular plot in all media, not just fanfiction, to redeem the villain. It could be to show that the villain was misguided and really a good guy at heart (Darth Vader, Zuko), or that the villain learned his lesson and is ready to stop being a bad guy (the Grinch). Sometimes a villain might fall in love with a hero or heroine and decide that being a bad guy is no good if the love of their life is on the opposing side.

 

But does this work when the villain in question is a psychotic zombie with a hard on for teen murder? Nothing Like a Serial Killer, a Friday the 13^th fanfic by warri0r, would like to argue “Yes, Jason Voorhees is just misunderstood and can be redeemed with the power of love”.

 

…

 

 

Well, it’s not the weirdest idea for a fanfic I’ve heard of (that honor goes to Gurren Jesus), but you’re going to have to work pretty hard to convince me that this guy:

 

Is all rainbows and sunshine beneath that mask, and he only kills people because they don’t understand him… well, that’s not creepy at all.

 

 

So yeah, this fic has a lot on its plate. Does it succeed? Let’s find out (spoilers ahead).

 

 

The fic opens with Jason hearing the sounds of someone walking around Camp Crystal Lake. He looks out and sees Stereotypical Goth Girl #5… that’s not much of an exaggeration: she’s described as having thigh length black hair with purple streaks, baggy black shorts, punk rock paraphernalia, pink and black skater shoes, skeleton gloves, and dark sunglasses. What’s she doing? Well, taking pictures of the dilapidated summer camp, of course.

 

 

… Considering the genre of the source material, that’s probably one of the smarter hobbies to be performing at such a site… other than just avoiding it completely, which is probably the smartest of hobbies.

 

 

One thing that struck me as odd is the lack of flow in the description. While it does give me a good idea what the girl actually looks like, the way it’s written makes it seem more like a list of items rather than a good description. It’s actually a lot like the descriptions of… everything in My Immortal.

 

 

Jason walks out to say hello… no, I’m not kidding:

 

 

Jason walked out the door, and slammed it so hard it broke. The girl jumped slightly. “What the...” she mumbled, as she looked up. She saw Jason standing there, his machete in a less aggressive position.

 

 

I’ll admit, I haven’t seen any of the Friday the 13^th movies (although Jason was only the main antagonist starting with 2), but I do know enough about them that him just walking out to see some stranger is… odd. Before he got turned into a zombie, he was something of a crazed survivalist, roaming the wilderness on his own and killing anyone that stumbled across him, most likely because he thinks it’ll bring his mom back from the dead… slasher movies are weird.

 

 

Anyway, the girl sees this dirty giant wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete; she responds by shrugging and wandering off to another part of the camp. Jason responds by not killing her.

 

 

… Okay first off, how is this chick not freaked out by the giant dude with the dangerous weapon and creepy mask? Are those just commonplace wherever she comes from?

 

 

Creepy Guy in a mask: Good morning.

 

 

Goth Chick (as she goes to get her mail): Morning. How the creepy mask guy business going?

 

 

Creepy Guy in a mask: Not that good. People these days seem more scared about ghosts than mass murderers.

 

 

Goth Chick: Oh, that’s too bad. Are you still free for coffee Wednesday?

 

 

Creepy Guy in a mask: Sure am. See you then.

 

 

Second off, going back to what I’ve already described about Jason, why hasn’t he killed her? Isn’t the whole point of the Slasher Movie genre to show people getting killed? And Jason’s racked up a higher body count than most other slashers combined, so why isn’t he still doing what he was supposed to do? Is he really that surprised to encounter someone who doesn’t run away screaming from him?

 

Jason sits down and lets the girl go about her photography spree, musing to himself why she doesn’t run like the others. We get a flashback where Jason kills some blonde chick (I think it’s contractual for slasher villains to kill at least one blonde in their franchise), with him thinking that the victim shouldn’t have run.

 

 

… So… Jason’s whole motivation for killing people is that they run away from him? I’m pretty sure he died due to neglectful councilors, not a cross country team.

 

 

So, the day winds down and the girl starts to pack up her things… wait, Jason just let her roam around the camp for a whole day, and not once did he try to kill her? Depending on his motivation, wouldn’t he want to kill her to bring his mom back, or just because someone was intruding upon his turf?

 

 

Anyway, as she packs up Jason follows her for a little bit before he decides to go out into the woods to kill something… no, not because he’s a serial killer, because he needs to eat. So this is pre-zombification Jason, then. He wanders back after an unsuccessful hunt and finds out the girl has shacked up in one of the cabins.

 

 

 

The girl is staying there? With some creepy guy that carries around dangerous weapons and wears a creepy hockey mask? And Jason’s just going to let some stranger wander around his home taking pictures? AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT THINKS THIS MAKES NO SENSE?!

 

 

Jason goes down to the lake for a little bit, and we also see that the spirit of his dead mother is harassing him to kill the girl… So we’re bringing in Psycho too? What’s next, Jason kills someone with a chainsaw? Then he remembers he left his machete back at the cabin, and the girl (who was taking a nap) cut herself in her sleep.

 

 

…

 

I’m not sure who’s dumber; Annalese Black Hole, for delaying the fight with the vampires, or you, for not watching out for the machete the big creepy guy with the mask just left laying around. And shouldn’t she be worrying about all that blood and dirt that’s probably on that machete? She could get an infection and die from that... Maybe she did, and the rest of this story is her dying dream.

 

Anyway, Jason hands her a first-aid kit, which he notes he used to patch himself up after the final battle in Freddy vs. Jason… When he was A ZOMBIE! ZOMBIES DON’T NEED FIRST AID KITS!

 

…

 

After this, the girl decides to head into town to pick up some more supplies. Jason doesn’t say anything, but he indicates that he wants a pen and some paper so he can communicate with her. She returns and the two strike up a friendly conversation.

 

Let me repeat that: this girl is having a friendly conversation with Jason Voorhees. JASON VOORHEES, one of the most prolific serial killers in the genre. Not to mention a zombie.

 

And apparently, he has very neat handwriting. Guess he was brushing up his penmanship in between murdering people.

 

They talk, and the girl introduces herself as Isabella. She’s in the area for a photography project, and it also turns out she’s scared of thunder… please don’t tell me this’ll head where I think its heading. Of course, her parents objected because of Jason’s past reputation, but she insists that she doesn’t see him as a serial killer… despite the fact that he has killed people. Heck, he even says that he was out for revenge when he killed people.

 

I’m beginning to worry for Isabella’s sanity.

 

So, they talk and the narration says that they’re talking as if they were best friends… really wish I’d actually SEEN this. Later she gets tired and goes to bed, although she gets nightmares.

 

I’m seeing some warning signs, nightmares being one of them.

 

Jason is nodding off when he hears her having these nightmares. Jason wakes her up and asks if she’s alright… No, he doesn’t use the notepad, he actually talks to her.

 

 

HE CAN TALK?! JASON VOORHEES CAN TALK, AND SAY MORE THAN “Ki… ki… ki… Ma… Ma…”?! He’s not on my list of characters that I like, but… No! NO! You can’t take a horror movie icon, whose silence is one of his defining character traits, and have him talk like he’s just some teenaged woobie. That’d be like a version of Sokka not making any jokes.

 

OH WAIT! THEY DID THAT, AND IT SUCKED!!!

Isn't that right, Sockson?

 

Just to make sure she gets some rest, he decides to… rock her to sleep, and she snuggles into his shoulder?

 

EW! THAT’S DISGUSTING! HE’S A THIRTY YEAR OLD, BADLY SCARRED ZOMBIE! THAT’S JUST… GAH!!!

 

It gets worse. Apparently, this version of Jason takes showers, and Isabella catches him shirtless and spends a moment tracing the various scars on his body. While she’s busy doing that, I’ll go fetch my bottle of brain bleach, okay?

 

A few weeks pass by (do we get to see any of this? No, and for once I’m glad) and it comes time for Isabella to leave. Jason is mopey because he doesn’t want her to leave.

 

…

 

On second thought, I would like to see what happened during those weeks, so I can understand WHY Jason is now thinking like this.

 

But trouble arises when Isabella’s parents arrive. Jason makes himself scarce while Isabella explains to them that she’s going to be sticking around for a few more days… because her “romance” with a mask-wearing psychopath is so much more important than all other relationships she might have. She doesn’t say that and instead says some bullshit about pretty sunsets, but her parents are having none of that and insists she comes home.

 

Do so, and make sure your arm isn’t infected…. Wait, that’s a non issue.

 

Jason shows up again, and of course things get out of hand; Isabella’s all like “BUT I WUV HIM!!!1!!111!”, her mom is being rational and tries to force Jason away, and… Isabella seems oddly hopeful that Jason does return to his original roots and murders her.

 

… Who’s the real monster here?

 

Eventually mom gives up and goes home, and we get flashbacks to show that Isabella’s parents were abusive control freaks… like 99% of all Sue parents who aren’t dead. For once I’d like to see parents who are, well, somewhat realistic… like Guide Me Home.

 

And of course, Jason’s still acting like some supportive boyfriend instead of Jason Voorhees, who would have killed Isabella back in chapter 1. IF YOUR MAIN CHARACHER IS A SLASHER VILLAIN, CAN YOU AT LEAST TRY TO HAVE HIM KILL SOMEONE?!

 

The next chapter is… oh God, I feel like my teeth are going to rot. It’s all lovey dovey with Jason and Isabella… oh sorry, she’s going by just Bella now (Friday the 13^th meets Twilight, and Jason doesn’t kill anyone?). Whatever, they’re just having a grand old time and NOT KILLING ANYONE. Hell, Jason even gets her a FREAKING PUPPY!

 

This isn’t Jason Voorhees.

 

A few days later, Bella returns to their makeshift home and finds Jason napping without his mask on. Instead of looking like this:

 

 

He’s actually quite handsome.

 

…

 

Oh yes, throw away canon so your Mary Sue can shtup a troubled, but cute, murderer. That’ll win you a lot of fans.

 

They’re still being cute (guh) when the dog warns them that there’s an intruder on the premises. Jason violently murders him Well… no, but Jason does go berserk when he sees the guy, who’s one of Bella’s friends by the name of Brandon. After he kills the dog (or not; it shows up again in the next chapter), Bella chews him out for being a psycho…

 

 

Should've realized that FIVE CHAPTERS AGO WHEN YOU MET HIM, DUMBASS!

 

Bella decides to leave, and Jason’s okay with that. It would have been cool if he’d been all stalker-like, but we can’t have our protagonist actually act like a serial killer, now can we? No, instead of killing some co-eds to burn off some steam Jason has turned to drinking, becoming a sad excuse for life you see more in Livetime Movies instead of slasher villains. Bella comes back two weeks later to get the last of her things, and they have a brief chat where Jason asks that she doesn’t leave him.

 

… So he is going to be a creepy stalker?

 

He does stalk her a little, but she gets depressed and tries to kill herself for not being with Jason. He comes and makes everything better, and they all live happily ever after.

 

 

They just kiss and make up and everything is alright? You can’t just end it right there! Where’s the conflict, the drama? Where’s… Everything?!

 

This story sucks. To answer the question I posted earlier: No, this does not work to redeem Jason Voorhees, because this character acted nothing like Jason Voorhees. There’s no conflict at all until the last three chapters, and even then it’s quickly glossed over and done away with. Isabella has no flaws to speak of, and apparently she is attracted to Jason but we never really get to see any of that attraction. The explanation as to why Jason killed people in the past is either non-existent or half assed (I couldn’t decide which because of how boring the story was), and the voices in his head are completely dropped after chapter 2. The pacing is atrocious and really kills any chance of there being actual character interaction, and what character there was just seemed… bland and stereotypical.

 

So, warri0r, want to know how you did? THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ZUKO AND DUMBASS WAS MORE BELIEVEABLE THAN ISABELLA AND JASON’S RELATIONSHIP!

 

 

Good thing I never have to read this story again. And warri0r should go back to writing wrestling fics… actually, she should just stop writing fics in general… well, no, she should practice and read some good stories before writing again.