FanFic Masochism Episode XIII: the first darkness war

Hello, and welcome back to Fanfic Masochism.

Like many kids growing up in the 90s, I loved the Star Wars movies. Seeing ships flying through space, lightsaber duels, and other wonderful technologies absolutely captivated my mind, and I wanted my own X-Wing and lightsaber to go out and fight bad guys with. Heck, Luke Skywalker was often my go-to choice for a Halloween costume for many years (although Halloween was never my favorite holiday), and the franchise has continued to influence or interact with me over the years (most recently in the X-Wing tabletop game).

Unfortunately, Star Wars is just like any other fictional work: it attracts bad writers like rotten meat attracts flies. And to start off our exploration into the darker corners of a Galaxy Far, Far Away we have the first darkness war by shadow alchemist4532. What exactly is it? Well, it makes my novelization/rewrite of Revenge of the Sith that I did when I was nine look like Guide Me Home.

Spoilers ahoy!

The first thing I want to point out is that the formatting on this thing is atrocious. Forget Healing, where I complained about how everything is in its own paragraph; the entire first chapter of this story is one giant paragraph! Hell, EVERY CHAPTER is one giant paragraph. Don’t believe me? Take a look:

Not even legolas by laura did that. This makes it incredibly hard to read, and does not look professional at all.

… What? Can’t I complain about something not looking professional?

Okay, now to the story proper. We are introduced to our hero, Jedi knight Nathan jack Murdoch…

Now now, we can’t judge him just yet. Remember, Star Wars is a universe where characters named Luke and Ben exist alongside characters named Anakin or Lando.

Anyway, what is our hero up to? Well, he’s walking around Mooroolbark east primary school, bored out of his mind. We also learn that he’s doing well in the third grade (the chapter is also fittingly called “third grade”).

Our protagonist is only eight years old? Now, kid heroes are not a bad thing, but think for a moment: the kid is described as being a Jedi Knight; not an apprentice, a full Knight. Considering it took Anakin/Darth Vader almost twelve years before he made Knight, and he was a special case due to the ongoing war, this kid must have blitzed through his training if he made Knight by age eight (at least five years).

He and StarKit/Paw/Gleam/Star should start a club or something, for under aged heroes who suddenly rise to power.

He was brought out of his reverie when he heard a voice proclaim “find the Jedi and kill him” it was the voice of Jordan Nicolas fellow student and enemy.

First of all, if you knew this guy was at your school and wanted you dead, wouldn’t you try to put some distance between the two of you, or even preempt his inevitable attack and kill him? Second of all, WHY CAN’T YOU USE BASIC PUNCTUATION?! Some commas and periods and PARAGRAPH BREAKS would be very much appreciated here.

So, Nathan runs for cover and draws his black lightsaber… no, those really do exist:

 
However, the Darksaber is a unique weapon, and is the only one of its kind that has been seen (kind of like Mace Windu’s Samuel L. Jackson’s purple lightsaber). Since Nathan’s lightsaber is not named as the Darksaber (yet; he might spring it on us near the end), that implies that he was lucky enough to find another black lightsaber crystal for use in his. Also, remember that this is the Star Wars universe, where dark usually equals evil.

So… who am I supposed to be rooting for?

So, Nathan (age eight) and his nemesis fight and OH MY GOD DOES THIS GUY NOT KNOW WHAT A PERIOD IS?! THE ENTIRE FIGHT SCENE IS ONE HUGE RUN ON! I SWEAR IT’S LEGOLAS BY LAURA ALL OVER AGAIN!

AND WHAT’S WORSE, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG THIS CHAPTER IS?! By word count I’d estimate about 700 words (the story being 8,390 words divided across twelve chapters), but by number of sentences? FIVE! FIVE SENTENCES LONG! AND IT LOOKS ABOUT AS LONG AS SOME OF MY MORE WORDY RANTS! THAT’S JUST… STUPID!

And to make matters even worse… we don’t see the majority of the fight scene. It just says “eventually Nathan won”. I thought the purpose of a fight scene was to show, you know, FIGHTING! And this is STAR WARS, a franchise that has some of the flashiest melee combats in modern media. Just like Bending fights or Superhero/Supervillain clashes, I want to see cool moves and good use of the various skills that the heroes and villains possess. The fight between Nathan and Jordan should have shown us more; is Nathan a defensive fighter, using blocks and dodges to wear his opponent out, or does he use more aggressive tactics to beat his opponent down and end the fight quickly? We can be shown all this, and yet we’re not. We’re just told that Nathan is better than his nemesis.


So, attempt at showing us that this eight-year old is a master fighter?

Deciding that he can’t win in a straight up fight, so he decides to use Force Lightning at a passing girl, one Alicia Simpson, who’s just on her way back from a singing lesson. Ignoring the question as to why this is taking place at an elementary school in the first place, we have Nathan’s response:

“shit” Nathan muttered before running before running in front of it.

Okay, point for trying to save the chick, but remember this kid is in ELEMENTARY PRIMARY SCHOOL! Where the hell did he learn to say words like “shit”? Is this just the author’s attempt to make him appear hardened and badass, because he should have done that IN THE FREAKING FIGHT SCENE!

So he jumps in front of the lightning and takes forty thousand volts to the face. He does manage to get his lightsaber up in time so he’s not flash fried, although he still gets hit by it and is not as hardcore as Yoda or Iroh, who would just return to sender. Before Jordan can kill Nathan and end this fic Obi-Wan shows up out of nowhere and Jordan teleports away.

DEUS EX MACHINA!

Alicia and Obi-Wan are concerned about Nathan’s wellbeing, but he tries his best to shrug off the injuries… which translates to him being a total asshole; he makes some remark about Obi-Wan not cloning himself, and according to the narration he does so “Wittily”.

…

In Stephen King’s memoir/writer’s guide "On Writing", he says that adverbs are like dandelions; one or two are pretty, but too many ends up killing your story/yard. I will use an adverb or two in my stories, but never to excess, and even then I try my best to make sure they sound normal. For instance, instead of “wittily”, I feel that “dryly” or even just “deadpanned” would have worked much better.

And, if you’re going to use wit, please try to make it funny. As morbid as it sounds, life threatening injuries are a good supply for jokes. When Ronald Reagan was shot, you know what he said to his wife? “Honey, I forgot to duck.” Or consider Saint Lawrence of Rome (Patron Saint of chefs and standup comics, IIRC), who was executed by being roasted on a gridiron; after some time of being tortured, he told his executioners “I am done on this side; you may turn me over”. “Oh really maybe you shouldn’t clone yourself my former master” (actual quote) is not a witty response to “Maybe we should get you to a healer”. The least he could have done was made some kind of electrocution pun: “Oh, I’m shocked you didn’t think of that sooner”. It’d still suck, but at least he tried. Even worse, remember this is Obi-Wan he’s talking to; in the prequels at least, Obi-Wan’s one of the driest of the protagonists. For example, when he and Anakin hijack a crashing spaceship that is then ripped in half by gravity:

"Not to worry, we are still flying half a ship."

Or when he’s about to get yanked over the side of a platform by Jango Fett:

“Oh, not good.”

That’s the Obi-Wan I remember from my childhood. Why isn’t he acting like this here? Maybe he could say something witty or deadpan.

Nathan then passes out and Obi-Wan kidnaps him (not really, but still), instructing Alicia to tell the school that he’s gone home early, but not after sealing the memories of Nathan getting electrocuted in her brain.

We jump ahead three months and we learn that Nathan (age eight) has now renamed himself Jack Holmes… why, I don’t know. He’s at a concert of sorts, and having sensed danger earlier, Anakin, Obi-Wan and some chick name Siri have joined him. The next sentence… well, it makes squirrelking look coherent; once again it’s a massive run on, and it just…

Whatever, what I got out of it is that Alicia’s father (I think) is the Big Bad, and Jordan’s his apprentice. Why he never got off his ask and took out Nathan on his own… oh sorry, he’s called Jack now, is beyond me. Then bad guys show up and Jack Holmes (age eight) is like:

“Oh fucking hell… thanks for ruining my night assholes.”

Because that’s how a Jedi would react under those circumstances!

I hate this fic.

Oh, and it turns out that Alicia’s father (who’s the bad guy) corrupted Jordan, who was Jack Holmes’ (age eight) former padawan… BECAUSE A THIRD GRADER WOULD HAVE A STUDENT!

And once again, the lack of punctuation in this thing makes it almost indecipherable:

Alicia’s father clapped “never knew you liked using colorful language Jedi” he said “you’re the one who corrupted my former padawan.” Jack yelled “I was not corrupted I was shown the truth” Jordan said before the four sith activated their light sabers and jack activated his and Anakin and obi wan and siri walked in and activated theirs.

WHAT’S GOING ON?! WHO’S TALKING?! AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL US EVERY LITTLE THING THAT HAPPENS?! (To make matters worse, this isn’t even the full sentence).

Bad fight scene time! This one has a bit of improvement in that the different forms of combat are discussed, but they’re drowned out by the author going on about how awesome Jack is at lightsaber combat. Would have been better if you’d SHOWN US this. Alicia gets fried in the fight and Jack cuts off the bad guy’s arm (Oh, and he [Alicia’s father] is now called Darth Desolation… shadow alchemist really wasn’t trying with this fic, was he?), forcing them to retreat. Alicia is unharmed by the force lightning, and after she’s given off to some person named Caitlin we get forced backstory on how Alicia’s mother was killed by Sith.

Thanks for telling us that in the narration. It’s not like I wanted to have it shown to me.

Jack goes to the Jedi Temple and speaks with Yoda… off-screen (Be in this story, Yoda should not.) and Jack swears he’ll kill Darth Desolation. We cut to two months later when Jack gets some bad news (oh, and we’re introduced to his padawan friend Luke Hilston… really, he’s just an afterthought so I probably won’t end up mentioning him all that much):

Darth Desolation killed his dad. Off-screen. With ease. Okay, he lost an eye, but still.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Jack yelled before letting the tear’s fall as student’s of his class came to check on him “WHY DAD WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE WHY DID DARTH DESOLATION HAVE TO KILL YOU”

For the same reason DC killed Alexandra DeWitt and Lian Harper: cheap emotional drama. This would have been more tragic if 1) we’d seen your father actually interact with you and 2) you didn’t pull a Darth Vader and give some incredibly long and narmy “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Come to think of it, if you had any real interactions with anyone besides trying to fight and kill your nemesis, this story would be much better… not a whole lot better, but still.

Speaking of his nemesis, Jordan shows up to rub Jack’s father’s death in his face. Lazy fight scene before Jordan escapes, but not before hamstringing Jack. Of course, we can’t have Marty Stu Jack actually suffer because of this energy, so the Jedi healers fix him right up, good as new. Later that day is Jack’s father’s funeral, and as Yoda gives the eulogy-

YODA IS IN THIS THING?! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT SOMETHING GOOD WOULD GET THROUGH!

And Jack once against swears to kill Dark Desolation. Less swearing, more killing, please. That way we can get through this story quicker.

A week passes by and now Jack’s a Master, dual wielding his father’s white lightsaber with his own black one. And once again it’s described that he’s unbeatable with this form.

…

That’s almost like Kaldor Draigo killing a Bloodthirster and then reforging the daemon’s axe into his personal sword, and then going for a lovely stroll through what basically amounts to Hell without being corrupted because he’s so pure and so powerful.

Getting back on track, instead of hunting down the bad guys they go to a local concert and let the bad guys come to them. Also during this time we get a long, boring lecture on some of the trials of a Jedi, like how they’re supposed to be respectful of all life, no matter how pathetic… this is ignoring the fact that Jack has been a total asshole to everyone, did not comfort Alicia when he father turned out to be evil, and has made several vows to kill the villain (at least Luke and Obi-Wan tried to talk Anakin/Darth Vader out of being evil before fighting him).

There’s something about a Sith spy, but it’s only brought up just before the bad guys attack the concert. Oh, and the dialogue is less Star Wars and more Game of Thrones, in concern to whores and such. One god-awful fight scene later, and the bad guys are forced to retreat.

Not literally, but metaphorically; if the bad guys are on the run, now is the perfect time for the heroes to counter attack and eliminate them once and for all. But no, they don’t do any of that! We get a time skip of four years, and now Jack Holmes (age twelve) has… I really don’t know. This story is so jumbled that I can’t really make out anything except now Luke (you know, that minor character that I mentioned as an afterthought) is now training some other person.

Why should I care? I’ve barely interacted with these characters.

We get ANOTHER BADLY WRITTEN FIGHT SCENE! I would love to have seen some character interaction, but no, we can’t have any of that!

Okay, good fight scene time:

I could probably sum up the remaining six chapters thusly: Short exposition, bad fight scene, short exposition. Essentially, it’s the same thing Dakrai-King Mykan did, except Mykan was intelligent enough to SPACE OUT HIS FRICKIN’ PARAGRAPHS AND SHOW A BIT MORE ACTION! WHY AM I AGREEING WITH MYKAN OVER THIS?!

Although, one good thing has come from this: Mr. T is a Jedi.

"I pity the fool who joins the Dark Side!"

The bad guys show up at… something. I’m not really sure; let’s just say an assembly or something. Also, Obi-Wan and the others aren’t here. So the bad guys show up and… Mr. T DIES?!?!

There is no hope for this fic now.

Oh, Caitlin also dies (or not, it’s really unclear), but since she appeared so rarely (and I don’t even think she had a line of dialogue) I don’t really care. Alicia is separated from Jack and he angrily demands why the other Jedi were not allowed in. When one Mrs. Nelson says “because people die when they show up” we get jack’s response:

“THEY STILL ATTACKED AND MY GUARDIANS WERE NOT HERE BUT LESS PEOPLE WOULD HAVE FUCKING DIED IF THEY HERE THE BARNEVELD FAMILY EXCEPT CAITLIN WOULD NOT HAVE DIED MISTER T WOULD NOT HAVE DIED INNOCENTS WOULD NOT HAVE MOTHER FUCKING DIED YOU KNOW WHAT I DON’T TO HEAR EXCUSES I’M LEAVING GOODBYE DO NOT CONTACT ME!”

…

You’re not a Jedi Master.

A Jedi Master would be calm, understanding. They would have acknowledged the losses, and while they would have mourned those that were killed they would not have blown up like this. They would have thought through this rationally and moved on, keeping themselves calm so they don’t fall to the Dark Side. The Dark Side relies a lot on anger, so losing your temper is a great way to get the attention of the bad guys who want to manipulate you for their own gain

Jack Holmes is no Jedi Master. Heck, he’s no Jedi; he’s a foul-mouthed, disrespectful, bad tempered prick who shouldn’t even sleep in the same quadrant as Obi-Wan or Yoda. He says he cares about his friend and his loved ones, but he doesn’t; he just passes the responsibility of caring for them off to someone else, all so that he can stay “focused” on killing bad guys. He makes Anakin at his worst look docile. I don’t want him to be saving the Galaxy; I want the real Jedi to save the galaxy from HIM. But they’re not going to (in this fic at least), because everyone who isn’t outright evil or Jack is an incompetent halfwit who can’t even do their jobs without Jack’s assistance.

Jack Holmes is a terrible character. I hate him almost as much as I hate Skye Dumbass, and if at all possible I’d strand him on an asteroid and have the Death Star blast him to smithereens.

…

I’ve got six more chapters of this shit to put up with.

It’s a school dance, and Jack and Luke (remember him? He’s in this fic too) have decided to cosplay as the Ninth Doctor and Jack Harkness.

If Nine had a grave, he’d be rolling over in it.

Bad guys show up, lazy fight scene, next chapter.

Jack Holmes (age twelve) No, from now on your name is Annoying Prick. Prick’s walking around when Jordan and the bad guys show up again. Darth Desolation (No, your name is now Daisy) Daisy goes into the Dark Avatar State (he glows red instead of white) and chokes Prick into submission. But before Daisy can finish him off Obi-Wan and Anakin (I dub thee Deus Ex Machina and Asspull, because calling you “Obi-Wan” and “Anakin” defiles better characters) Deus Ex Machina and Asspull come out of nowhere and save Prick from death.

Next scene is another fight; apparently the bad guys have the power of Mind Rape, and use it to flood Prick’s mind with memories of his father’s death. This has the side effect of breaking Prick, so now I’m going to rename him Brain-dead. Brain-dead does end up recovering, and has a premonition that Alicia is going to be kidnapped by the bad guys at some show (Thirty Acts!). They do show up, big lazy fight scene where Jordan tortures Brain-dead with some lightning (getting up to OVER 9000 100,000,000 volts by the time he actually gets a reaction out of Brain-dead). Deus Ex Machina and Alicia resuscitate him and then Darth Vader shows up and the fight continues.

I CAN BARELY READ THIS THING! IT’S JUST ONE GIANT BLOCK OF TEXT WITH NO SPACING WHATSOEVER!

Oh, and there’s some guy name Pablo. Why are we introduced to him? Beats me.

On July 31^st, 2013, Brain-dead goes to check up on Alicia and finds out that Daisy brainwashed her. Big lazy fight scene that introduces more characters that are never developed before Brain-dead breaks Alicia out of her brainwashing. They say a “tearful” goodbye that makes George Lucas’ romantic writing sound decent by comparison before parting ways.

The final chapter opens with the Sith attacking Perth-

Did I mention that, for whatever reason, this entire story takes place in Australia? Nope, doesn’t take place in a Galaxy Far, Far Away, where aliens and monsters roam the starts and giant space battles happen, it takes place in Australia.

YOU HAVE JUST REMOVED THE “STAR” FROM STAR WARS, YOU ASSHOLE!!

Whatever, the Sith attack Perth and Jack runs off to help them. Apparently Australians just let a bunch of people with laser swords run around their cities, because no one bothers calling the Australian military or letting some of the zoo animals get loose. Daisy and Brain-dead fight, and when it looks like Daisy might win the others begin to pray into the Force to empower Brain-dead to win.

This has never been seen before, and it comes right when Brain-dead is about to lose. DEUS EX MACHINA!

Brain-dead kills Daisy (BOOOOO!) and all the heroes are honored for saving Perth and Melbourne. Partying ensues and the first darkness war is over.

This story sucks. There’s no plot beyond “Bad guys attack and heroes stop them”, the fight scenes are bland and repetitive, all characters not named Brain-dead are hollow and never get any character development, Brain-dead himself is an assholish Gary Stu with no redeemable traits whatsoever, and Good Lord the formatting made this thing almost illegible; EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER is just one block of text, and punctuation is almost non-existent. And it’s not just this story; all of shadow alchemist4532’s works are like this, just giant walls of text with few breaks, if any. I actually felt my eyes aching as I tried to read this thing.

THIS FIC CAUSED ME PHYSICAL PAIN!

And to top it all off, this story is a slap to the face of any Star Wars fan. Canon ideas, settings, and characters are thrown out the window for these idiots, and those canon characters that do show up are incompetent beyond belief. The only thing that I think resembles Star Wars is that the characters wield lightsabers. No droids, no aliens, no spaceships, not even a fleshed out use of the Force beyond Force Lightning. At least AvatarAvani tried to use the various aspect of the Avatar universe. Heck, I would read Legend of Skye Dumbass again if it meant I didn’t have to read more of shadow alchemist4532’s writing.

I still hate Dumbass more than Brain-dead, though. It’d be rather hard for me to change my mind about that… but Brain-dead is still a bad character. I’d say they’re almost tied in the amount of hate they receive from me.